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2012: The Golden Year

2012-01-25T20:41:00.000-08:00

"I have accepted fear as part of life -- specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back...."
-- Erica Jong

2012 is my Golden year. I turned 27 on the 27th and I'm embarking on a journey of brutally honest soul-searching. Everybody close to me knows by now, but to the world wide web: Jonathan and I are getting a divorce. To summarize, we did couples counseling which turned into solo counseling for me (which is a rather embarrassing thing to admit... while I strongly believe in the benefits of counseling and therapy, I never thought I'd be the one having to go) which helped me realize that if I truly respect and admire Jonathan as much as I claimed, I needed to leave him. I'm not in love with him and to remain in a marriage out of comfort and convenience's sake would be the most unfair, cruel thing I could do to him. I've been a bad wife and a bad friend to him when he deserved and deserves better.

We've been over since the ending-it-all conversation... all that's left is the paperwork and physical acts of separating two lives which shared eight years together. I want to travel, do things I've never been able to do before now. I don't ever want to compromise a dream for a relationship again and I want to do me. It seems so selfish but I feel so lost at times and I need to find my way back to myself. My friends all appear so confident in their lives, steadfast in their choices, career-paths, relationships, etc... I envy their sureness so deeply, my soul is tinged green. I long to feel secure in happiness derived of myself and build a life of self-dependency.

For a long time, I thought I could be happy staying with Jonathan because he's so good that if being with me made him happy, I could give him that because he deserved it. It's hard to accept (because it feels selfish) that that isn't right, it isn't good enough, it isn't fair. If I'm not happy, how can I be in a happy relationship? I need to live for my happiness first, before I can share that with anyone else.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done, the hardest thing I've ever been through. For the most part, I'm okay. At the core of it, I know I'm making the right decision but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm able to laugh, smile and genuinely enjoy life but at the same time, I'm straining from grasping to control so tightly. If I allow myself the slightest moment of weakness, I fear I'll lose myself to this ball of chaotic feelings swirling inside of me. People who know ask me frequently how I'm doing. I appreciate their concern but I can't talk about it. There are too many emotions that are ripping me apart inside for me to voice any right now. No, I'm not okay. I'm fucking dying inside every day knowing I screwed this up, that I disappointed so many people, including myself. I'm not just hurting myself, I'm not just hurting Jonathan, I'm hurting our families, our loved ones. I'm single-handedly destroying so much. I broke a promise, I murdered our dreams of a future together. When we'd speak nervously about our someday children, I just erased them and their possibility. I don't know how I'm to be trusted ever again. I don't know how to forgive myself.

My logic soothes me, the emotional creature I am, listing the rationale behind it all. It's the survivor in me, dousing the flames which threaten to consume me.

I'm not okay right now. I will be okay, though. Baby steps. First, I need to find myself and live for myself.

"I could die for you. But I couldn't, and wouldn't, live for you."
-- Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

Word Vomit

2011-12-09T19:24:00.001-08:00

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

It's unfortunate we all have our moments of doubt & insecurity; it's worse when these moments stretch into actual crippling beliefs. Tonight is a night I could allow myself to become a victim to my own sorrow, to the disgusting entitlement of self-pity. I feel fat, ugly, devoid of talent and reason. I see clearly all my short-comings as a friend and person. etc etc etc.

Please let me digress.

But. I hate victims. I recognize these murky feelings, cough them and forcibly vomit them from my system. Dealing with them as they are, instead of ignoring, I can exorcise my annoying demons and get out of this house and hang out with people I love.

Thanks for putting up with my worst and I'll always try to give you my best.

Naturally

2011-12-07T19:39:00.001-08:00

“Beware of her fair hair, for she excels All women in the magic of her locks; And when she winds them round a young man's neck, She will not ever set him free again. ”
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I am naturally good at being blonde. I've tried every other hair color under the sun. Black, brown, auburn, red, so pink you could scream, blue which faded to the green of over-chlorinated blonde and an accidental purple over a summer once. But blonde suits me best, in looks and personality. I was feisty as a redhead and probably soulless (sorry), emo with black and absolutely vivacious with pink.

I do and say really dumb things. Which makes blonde jokes funny and I chuckle and roll my eyes. Which makes blonde Aggie jokes even funnier. And let's throw in the sexist humor while we're at it!

Blondes aren't dumber than anyone else; our blunders are just more noticeable, or as I like to think it: we're simply less forgettable. :)

Ten Smiles

2011-11-20T19:51:00.000-08:00

“Beneath the makeup and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world.”
― Marilyn Monroe

1. Anything silly Heather does or says.

2. Rascal licking the couch.

3. Texts from Chris.

4. Puppies at the pet store.

5. Reading stories about A&M.

6. People dancing.

7. My two fave coworkers, Candy & Monica.

8. Watching inspirational and uplifting youtube videos Jenna sends me about soccer teams in Thailand.

9. Anticipating my brother seeing the silly gift I'm giving him for his birthday.

10. Knowing I'm going to see Kyle soon and then my goldens.

Disbelief: Abandoned.

2011-10-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

"You love me. Real or not real."

"Real."

I just finished reading The Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins. I feel the same way I felt after completing the His Dark Materials trilogy... spent. My heart hurts for fictional characters, dead in their storylines and subdued by the raging emotions in me. It's a vicious cycle: I am overwhelmed with all the sadness of the novels, then almost disgusted with myself by how emotional I am, which makes me upset, which continues in this terrible circle. Spiraling, you could say.

My old theater professor said for a play to work (a movie, a book, etc), we must willingly suspend our disbelief. I don't suspend so much as abandon mine; I become the story. It's why scary movies terrify me so thoroughly, why sad movies truly break my heart and why books with captivating stories and well-rounded characters, enthrall me.

So as not to spoil the hunger games trilogy for anyone, I'll talk about his dark materials because it's been out for so long by now, you asshats should have already read it. I will never, ever forget finishing the second book, The Subtle Knife and left with the worst cliff-hanger of an ending, not even knowing when the third and final book would be out. I consumed The Golden Compass & then The Subtle Knife only to be left turning the intentionally left-blank pages signalling the end of the novel. I re-read the last paragraph, then the last page, then the chapter, sure I missed something. No one ends a book like that! Maybe my copy was a misprint and the last part was left off? Nope. Phillip Pullman got one over on all of us. I was in 8th grade. I only had to wait a measly two years (compared to the decade + for some fantasy series...) for the last book to come out. And boy, I don't think I've ever cried so hard over fictional characters.

I think I keep seeing similarities between the two because they're both trilogies, both aimed towards young adults but can span generations of readers and have an amazing female protagonist. Who falls in love with an equally amazing male lead character. They're young and so full of passion and purity, it makes my heart to think about it.

Which is pretty silly; they aren't real.

But it leads me down so many thought-paths... There really are people in this world so full of passion, determination and drive to make this world good... How amazing are these wordsmiths to weave together letters which form the words to make complete human beings from nothing more than ink on paper?

I know these books will stay with me forever. I could describe for days, the scenes, the words, the lines that will remain etched in my memory because of how powerfully they moved me. The scenes or lines don't even have to be emotionally, just beautifully written, to the point I can taste the food the author describes, or catch myself speaking outloud the lines, to hear the cadence of the character's voice.

I will always remember Katniss lifting her arms, slowing spinning, her wedding dress burning up, Cinna transforming her into the Mockingjay.

I will always remember Lyra leaving Pantalaimon behind, tearing herself from herself as the boat moved away from the shore.

Absolutely brilliant writers. I gladly surrender all disbelief to submerge into their crafted worlds.

I am both HUNGRY & FOOLISH

2011-10-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

As a self-declared linguaphile, I try to think before I verbalize anything by writing or saying exactly what I mean (a leftover habit from taking an introduction to logic class which attempted to take out the ambiguity of the English language) to avoid incorrect inferring. For example, I try not to flippantly say, “I’m so lucky for _______” because I’m not sure I believe in luck, so I try to say, “I’m so blessed for _____” because I do believe in blessings. (Weird, whatever.) I don’t like to say I regret something because truly I regret nothing. Everything in life has shaped me into the Christine you find before you and while I question a lot of things in life, I do not question that I like this Christine. So for better or for worse, this is who I am and this is where I am. There are instances where a better decision, action or word could have been chosen, but for whatever reason, I did what I did, so I say learn, live and move on!

The world is abuzz with the death of Steve Jobs and in mourning for the loss of a revolutionary figure. I don’t know when, if ever, I would have otherwise listened to (and subsequently read) his Stanford commencement speech but hearing it now couldn’t have been a more perfect time for me.

Life has never been easy for me; the compliments are greatly appreciated, but I tell those who say I’m strong, it simply boils down to being good at surviving. I don’t feel as if I’ve ever had a choice in what I do. I am a professional level survivalist. But I guess that is a choice. I choose to survive. I choose life and its heartaches and all the pitfalls it contains. I survive the valleys because I know there are peaks. Without sorrow, by what would we measure happiness? And even if you haven’t experienced any deep despair, as one of my most beloved authors, JK Rowling tells us, our greatest strength is our imagination because it allows us to empathize without having had to experience.

So buoyed by my loved ones’ support, I choose hunger and foolishness as advised by the late great Mr. Jobs. Still not entirely sure it was a choice though :P

This is just a ride.

2011-10-03T19:27:00.000-07:00

The world is like a ride at an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it, you think it's real, because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round and it has thrills and chills and it's very brightly colored and it's very loud. And it's fun, for a while.

Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: 'Is this real? Or is this just a ride?' And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and they say 'Hey! Don't worry, don't be afraid -- ever -- because... this is just a ride.' And we kill those people.

'Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride! Shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry; look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.' It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that -- ever notice that? -- and we let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter, because... it's just a ride, and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort. No worry. No job. No savings and money. Just a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy bigger guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one.

Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, into a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defense each year and, instead, spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would do many times over -- not one human being excluded -- and we can explore space together, both inner and outer, forever. In peace.

-Bill Hicks, shared via JWoj :)

Someone told me I need to write in my blog more and I told them I get scared of writing in my blog after something really intense happens in my life that I touch upon in my blog. Maybe I'm scared that my rendition of drunk weekend memories negate any seriousness I attempted. Who knows. Or maybe I'm just fearful of revisiting the powerful emotions behind the posts. WHO KNOWS.

Not me.

I've been going through this struggle lately of what truly makes me happy; it frustrates me beyond measure that for a person who claims to do what I want,I'm so unsure of what I want in life. Well, I do know exactly what I want and what truly makes me happy:

I want time to stop so I can sit and waste hours stumbling and laughing over funny things on the internet with Jenna and giggle over silly sex stories then cry over living so far apart but glad we have each other to cry over.

I want time to stop so I can spend every moment ever with my famfam and laugh about all the silly things each other says with great conversation going on and my face hurts from smiling so much from being around people I feel so myself with.

I want time to stop so I can "take it easy" with Heather while listening to Katy Perry and Justin Bieber on repeat and end up sloppy drunk and crying over Michael Scott proposing to Holly and loving it so much we watch it again.

I want time to stop so I can read every book in the world ever.

I want time to stop so I can make a giant mess with my craft projects and it's okay because time is stopped so I don't have to be frustrated by having to wait for paint to dry.

I want time to stop so I can learn about everything in the world I've ever been curious about.

I want time to stop so I can not feel so pressured to have children because I'm worried I'll die without seeing them have their own children.

I'm just a greedy person.

I want to know what choices to make because I'm terrified of making the wrong ones. But I'm even more scared of not making any.

Yesterday was my Dad's birthday; I completely forgot about it until halfway through today. I wonder if he even remembered. And if he did, I wonder if he was hurt his daughter didn't contact him. I wonder if he even remembers he has a daughter. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know my birthday.

Sorry to digress, just thought about that.

I came to write in here because Jenna sent me this:

Just a ride. I ain't scared of roller coasters.

A Spark Neglected

2011-09-08T22:42:00.000-07:00

Texas is burning.

Central Texas is being consumed by fire and it's breaking my heart. I love my country so much, please rain. I hate waking up to the smell of smoke and knowing my Texan community is suffering: they're homeless, they're injured, they're dying.

Please let it rain in Texas.

That is all I ask.

Sunday Snapshot: This is all.

2011-07-24T18:00:00.000-07:00

Belton Lake (borrowed from here).

Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er fraught heart, and bids it break.
Macbeth, IV.iii.241-242

I'm going home tomorrow. Home home. Belton home.

It's been a while since I've posted; I've been busy and I started a new writing venture with Brittney: Daily Journal Prompts. We give prompts to the world/each other to write. We also made a simple spin of thought questions (no pretty pics or anything to go along with them), just questions to make you think. So I've been working on that when I write. I really like it.

I've had some personal problems ongoing but life is life. I got some tragic news Friday and that's all I've really been able to think about.

I was watching Beyonce's I am... World Tour show today and as always, Queen Bee had some great words of wisdom. She said she wonders why sometimes, why does she have the talent she does, why her? But then she said, "It's not my place to question God, I'm just going to use what he gave me and live my dreams." WELL SAID GIRL. No wasting time. Just live.

Vegas was fun. Love my goldens. I'll do a post about it at some point in life, I'm sure.

Right now I'm just living.

Today is such a day.

2011-07-22T13:24:00.001-07:00

So much to update on, so little will to type it all up.

All my love, thoughts and prayers to you and your family, Charlie.

7/5: Tuesday Tips: Adapted Dog Whisperer

2011-07-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend. -Corey Ford

I’m a huge fan of the Dog Whisperer; I think Cesar Milan is an amazing man and a miracle worker with pets. After watching countless hours of his show, I’ve learned a few of his doggy lessons can be applied to humans to achieve desired results.

How to modify human behavior:

1) Ignore unwanted behavior. With dogs, if you ignore them when they’re doing something you don’t like, such as jumping up on you, by not paying them attention, you’re helping curb the unwanted behavior. After not receiving the attention they crave by bothering you, they’ll cease jumping as it’s no longer effective. This can work with people. If someone is doing or saying something you don’t like, ignore them. Eventually they’ll realize they aren’t getting what they want and will cease.

2) Use positive reinforcement over negative discipline. People and dogs respond better to positivity than negativity. When someone is saying or doing something I like, I let them know! I reward them with one of my million dollar smiles and if they’re really lucky, maybe a cookie or something. Just like how when Kirsty is good while her ears are being cleaned, I give her a treat.

3) Crate train them. Put them in a cage to control them. Easy.

7/3: Sunday Snapshot: GOD BLESS AMERICA

2011-07-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

For those who think
They have nothing to share
Who fear in their hearts
There is no hero there
Know each quiet act
Of dignity is
That which fortifies
The soul of a nation
That never dies

Let them say of me
I was one who believed
In sharing the blessings
I received
Let me know in my heart
When my days are through
America
America
I gave my best to you
-American Anthem, Norah Jones

I was pretty busy at work all week this past week and couldn’t wait for the long weekend! Friday I drove up to Bartlett and spent the night with Brittney and the babies and it was so nice just being able to talk with her. I miss Eric, too, but it was nice getting to catch up with Brittney. We watched an episode of Glee and then went to bed. (Oh yeah, I’ve become obsessed with Glee. Gleek4lyf.) I had to wake up super early to drive to Belton to pick up Alex since Jamie had to work at 8. We went to Temple but Hobby Lobby wasn’t open yet, so we just went to HEB and got some paint and other little odds and ends. Drove back to Bartlett and painted, played with his cowboy guns, played with the babies and just hung out. Eventually Brittney and I got all three kiddos in the car and we went and ate lunch at Café 35 in Temple. SO. GOOD. Although, I don’t think I’ll ever just have it me/Brittney alone with three little kids in a restaurant. So loud, so messy, so kinda stressful. Then we went to Hobby Lobby and it was there, while we were walking around that Brittney told me about Jim. His base in Iraq was attacked and three soldiers died. Jim’s arm was badly broken and they had to remove his spleen. I started crying, Brittney started crying and we hugged in the middle of the store.

Jim is one of Eric’s best friends, a friendship almost like none I’ve ever witnessed. I can’t imagine my brother without Jim and Charlie. To me, the two of them are extensions of my immediate family. So thank you, God, thank you so much for keeping Jim safe. He’s been on my mind all weekend and all week.

That’s all I really have for this snapshot. Happy 4^th everyone, and thank you to all our service men and women! I can’t thank you enough for your bravery and all the sacrifices you make for our country.

Habitually Late Thought Question Thursday: Missing

2011-07-05T18:44:00.001-07:00

All days are nights to see till I see thee,
And nights bright days when dreams do show thee me.
-Shakespeare, Sonnet 43

Right now I miss a lot of people. As I’ve said before, I live my life in a constant state of missing a loved one.

I miss my friends from high school with whom I’ve fallen out of touch. Not that they’re people I want in my life now or particularly even liked overall, but there’s a wistful nostalgia for them in my heart.

I miss my cherished friends from high school, like Brent, like Michelle and Drew, friends who inspire me daily. They’re more determined, driven and dedicated than anyone I know. Their passion for life their dreams humbles me. It’s without question they are going to become, if they aren’t already, movers and shakers of this world and I’m almost star-struck I can claim to have grown up with them.

I miss my college friends who disappointed and hurt me beyond imagination. I miss our future.

I miss those dear to me who have died. That missing is such a hard missing. I miss them for me, I miss them for the life they did not get to live.

I miss my family so much. Thank god they aren’t so far away anymore, but I still don’t see them as often as I should or want to… life is too busy for all of us. Eric & Brittney being in Kentucky was awful. When Mom was in England was REALLY awful. But luckily they’re all back here and back in Texas.

I miss my second family, my beautiful goldens. If I stop and think about how far away they all are from me, I could just cry. I miss them every moment I’m not with them. Even when I’m with them, the future missing hangs over me like a dark cloud. But I refuse to acknowledge it while I’m with them; I’m not going to waste precious moments with them by focusing on being sad!

I even miss my her mer when the weeks are long and the weekends are short.

Essentially, I am a very greedy person; I want everyone I love to surround me always. Make it happen, please. Thanks.

Tuesday Tips: How to Cuddle Puppies

2011-06-28T20:13:00.000-07:00

Step 1: Acquire the puppies.

Step 2: Convince the puppies that cuddles are needed; make the puppies feel at ease.

Step 3: Observe puppies form puppy-cuddle-ball position and drift towards human.

Step 4: The white puppy always cuddles with my feet. Freak.

Step 6: My baby boy boy did this himself; he gravitates towards my head because he's obsessed with me.

And that is how you cuddle puppies.

Belated Sunday Snapshot

2011-06-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

I AM SO BAD AT POSTING ON TIME. It's a vicious cycle. I was too inebriated Thursday, too tired Friday, too inebriated Saturday, too tired Sunday, and then too lazy yesterday.

BUT NO. I WILL POWER THROUGH. I WILL POST MY BEHIND POSTS TODAY AND CATCH UP BECAUSE I HAVE AT LEAST TWO READERS WHO NOTICE AND CARE.

...right?

Jonathan was in Phoenix from Wednesday to Saturday. :(

So Thursday I went to Happy Hour with Oscar and Monica from work. It was really fun!! I was kind of nervous because the bar Oscar chose was basically next door to CMAI and sure enough, a couple people I knew from CMAI were there. But I was mature and just pretended as if I didn't see them so I didn't talk to them.

...

Friday I stayed in and relaxed, taking a nice nap then skyping with some friends until late then I woke up early to take my baby dogs to the groomers. The three of them are quite the handful, but I love them <3 The puppies are shaved and naked and cute as hell now. Looooooove.

Saturday night we went to a BYOB Italian place for dinner for Andy Hunty's bday then went out to Rice Village. It was pretty rad; we started at Baker St. then convinced the guys after some drinkies to go to Bronx Bar with us (WHERE I LOST MY ENGAGEMENT RING :( ) and dance some. IT WAS SO HOT. I've never seen us all sweat so much! (See picture at top of post.)

Shane bought a five pound bag of tator tots the weekend prior while intoxicated so I've been attempting to use them up. I made hashbrowns after crumbling them and sauteing them with some onion. But managed to burn the hell out of my hand. CWI. Cooking While Intoxicated.

I should stop that.

Belated Thursday Thought Question

2011-06-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

"I need books to breathe." - Brent

I love a lot of things. Words, books, puppies, kittens, fresh tomatoes, pizza, scrapbooks, other people's mail, the smell before it storms, picking scabs, sleeping, etc.

But if I could only choose one thing... it would definitely be books. I'm actually attempting this right now with my reading room. The books are piled on the bookshelves, exploding on to the windowsills and evenonthefloorbecauseiammessy. Oops.

Shiny paperbacks with glossy covers nestled next to my first edition of Player Piano I got shortly after Kurt Vonnegut passed away. So it goes. I like to pick up favorites like Wuthering Heights or Phantom and flip through them, chatting with much loved characters. Erik and his mournful compositions, Heathcliff and his moors. (Sidenote: I'm obsessed with Byronic Heroes.)

After spending hours in the Cushing library at A&M, I became a little enamored with old books. They're so charming; the dusty smells, knowing countless others have poured over the same words and pages as you, and the cute rules that come with them (open until the book says no!).

So books books books. Surround me with my books, please.

Thanks to my fellow team enabler partner, Evan, for this thought question :) Someday I will beat him at something!

Tuesday’s Tips: It’s Raining & I Forgot How to Drive!

2011-06-22T07:39:00.000-07:00

In case you haven’t heard, Texas is in what I call SUPER DROUGHT MODE. We’ve broken records for tiniest, most pathetic amounts of rain for our great nation state in… eh, let’s just say FOREVER. The signs that usually say, “MISSING ELDERLY” along the highways now either say, “HURRICANE SEASON IS HERE BE PREPARED” or “EXTREME WILDFIRE DANGER.” Just yesterday I received an email from Mayor Parker saying Houston needed to conserve water, so now we can only water Thursdays/Sundays between 8pm and 10pm. Our neighbors did NOT read their email because they were totally watering last night and again this morning (even though it was raining?).

Anyhow, I digressed, pardon me.

Tips on driving in the rain:

1) DO NOT PANIC! It is just water! We need water to live! It is not a bad or evil thing! You will not die driving through a puddle if you approach with proper caution. Panicking has a snowball effect on traffic; don’t be the asshole to turn I-10 into a parking lot for the rest of us, please.

2) Remember your stopping distance increases on wet roads. This seems a no-brainer, but it’s unbelievable to me how many people still tail each other in pouring rain, going 60+ mph. You, sir, are going to kill someone. Stop it.

3) Don’t be a dick. Just because other people suddenly forget how to drive in precipitation doesn’t mean you should overcompensate by driving like an enraged bull. You’re bringing yourself down to their level when you do that. BE THE BIGGER MAN. JUST SAY NO. YOU ARE PRECIOUS CARGO. DRIVE ACCORDINGLY.

4) GET OVER IF YOU ARE CRUISING AT A SNAIL’S PACE. Seriously, this is just good practice all around. If you’re going slower than other people, get in the damn right lane. Ugh.

5) DO NOT PANIC.

Drive safely, y’all!

Love,

xine

PS: Everyone, go thank MIKEY for providing the picture, the inspiration and getting this posted for me!

Sunday Snapshot: Lazy

2011-06-19T20:31:00.000-07:00

Cat versus Human by Yasmine

One of my favorite comics and any cat owner/lover can attest to the truth behind each comic. Seriously, Kitty kills me with wanting in/out of our bedroom and she'll just sit and meowmeowmeow at the door and NEVER quits.

Yesterday was Green Dress Run and it was a lot of fun but a legit run. We were not prepared for that and instead just walked to a beer stop and sat and drank free beer while we sweated profusely.

Roya met up with us at Baker Street and me/her/jonathan/shane went to the mezz where I proceeded to black out for the first time in FOREVER.

I have a disgusting bruise on my upper left arm. Who knows how.

This is some awful word vomit. I'm exhausted. Goodnight interwebs.

love
xine

THOUGHT THURSDAY

2011-06-17T18:52:00.000-07:00

Today’s belated THURSDAY THOUGHT QUESTION is brought to you by the one and only Mikey. He graciously emailed me a picture of a thoughtquestion since the website is blocked at work and for that, I let him choose any question for me to answer. Thanks Mikey!

It’s incredibly cliché of an English major to choose a line from the Great Bard, but c’mon… people are English majors because they’re obsessed with Shakespeare whether they admit it or not. We aren’t all some lunatics like Mandella on 10 Things I Hate about You, who are romantically delusional or anything absurd like that.

Currently (I remain open to the idea someone might usurp this line eventually… there are many talented writers whose lines I have yet to read!) my all-time favorite line is from Romeo & Juliet, Act 1, Scene 3, line 99, spoken by Juliet. Her mother is asking her to observe Paris’s beauty and fall in love with him for it as he’d make a suitable husband.

“I’ll look to like if looking liking move.”

I love so much about this line: the sounds the words produce when constructed together in this sentence, the way they feel in my mouth when spoken, and the depth of meaning and complexity woven with just a few simple words.

I know alliteration is overdone and at times contrived, but I still lovelovelove it. It adds musicality to writing and once a musician, I appreciate the joining of the two arts. Forgive the further alliteration, but this one line defines lilting to me. It’s a measure of flowing legato by the master composer of words.

When observed in context of the play, it’s touching what a dutiful, yet honest daughter Juliet is at this precise moment. Pushing for what is deemed a suitable match, Juliet’s mother encourages her daughter to see Paris as the handsome man he is and from that physical attraction, spark romance. Juliet replies she’ll do her mother’s bidding and be open to love if all it takes is mere appearances but let’s be real: she’s got her heart set on our man Romeo.

Shakespeare, you old goat. How I love you so.

BELATED TUESDAY TIPS THANKS DAVE

2011-06-15T21:02:00.000-07:00

I forgot to do my TUESDAY TIPS yesterday because I went over to Heather's (CLASSY CHICK IN BLUE ON RIGHT) to celebrate #flagday by drinking LONE STAR (national beer of tejas) and tequila (from tupperware containers because you can't have glass at the pool) in her apartment's pool.

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO BECAUSE DAVE REMINDED ME I FORGOT: TUESDAY TIPS: HOW TO DRINK WITHOUT GETTING (TOO) DRUNK!

1) Eat greasy food. Apparently it is SCIENCE and therefore TRUE that grease kicks alcohol's ASS and you don't absorb the booze so quickly and also having a full tummy to drink on means less blacking out and bad decision making later (usually).

2) DRink water. Whatever. It sounds lame and kinda is, but it's SMARt. And I am SMARt or try to be sometimes. Stay hydrated, hoo rah rah. It supposedly keeps your body going, whatever.

3) I forgot. I got drunk tonight. So just eat food. drink water. sleep a lot. take ibuprofen the nextday bcause tylenol is bad to take before/during/after drinking because my nutrition teacher said.

love,
christine

Sunday Snapshot: A Trial Run

2011-06-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

Try to develop steady work habits, maybe a more modest quota, but keep to it. Don’t be thin-skinned or easily discouraged because it’s an odds-long proposition; all of the arts are. Many are called, few are chosen, but it might be you.

-JOHN UPDIKE

I have lots of ideas. Some good, some bad, most ridiculous. I constantly talk about my desire to be a writer, to pursue writing in life and how I can't live without it, blah blah blah. I'm stopped by one giant obstacle: My laziness. Facebooking is easy. Stumbling is easy. Tweeting is easy. Writing is hard. It's difficult for me to write something with which I'm personally pleased. So I fall back on my laziness, my dear, familiar procrastination and let future Christine deal with this whole "writing" business.

WELL. Christine JUST GOT REAL. I'm very inspired by Kathryn's blog and the regularity with which she updates and her themed postings. So inspired, in fact, that I'm going to copy (I almost said borrow, but can you return ideas?) her idea of focused posting. I have a few ideas (pesky critters) running through my brain... without further ado, may I introduce:

SUNDAY SNAPSHOT: A weekly update on my life, my random thoughts and basic word vomit. Sundays are my laziest days, so this will push me to at least produce some material. Also, just talking about life isn't very demanding of requiring of talent, skill or effort... so Simple Sunday Snapshot, welcome aboard!

TUESDAY TIPS: General tips I've accumulated through various life experiences. I pride myself on knowing something about everything because I'm too damn curious for my own good. This leads to hours spent on wikipedia, nat geo, etc.

THURSDAY THOUGHTQUESTIONS: Just more of my answering thought questions. I'm in love with their blog and the beautiful images and provoking questions. I'm delving into myself with each answer.

So to kick start:

SUNDAY SNAPSHOT NUMERO UNO:

This weekend Jonathan went to float the Comal river with his work (luckies) and I spent the weekend with my girlfriend, Heather. Friday we attempted to go see a play but traffic and work conspired against us so we were running too late for the performance and went to Sam's Boat and got drunk instead. Heather said, "I want to drink tequila! But let's not get sloppy," to which I replied, "...are you serious? We're going to drink tequila and NOT get sloppy?!"

It was a pretty fun night. We celebrated our three year anniversary (6/9/08 <3) of meeting and eventually Katie & Greg met up with us in Rice Village. WHICH I LOVE BY THE WAY.

We hung out at Baker Street for a while, just chatting it up and consuming beverages before wanting to shake our groove thangs at Bronx Bar. I remember taking a shot of tequila at Bronx Bar and then nothing until we're in the drive-thru at Taco C. Where we proceeded to purchase over $40 of food. What. The. Hell. Heather still has entire meals in her fridge.

Saturday was BEERFEST. Which would have been better named: BEERBUST. They were NOT prepared for the crowd and lines were ridiculously long. Katie & Greg got there around 4:15 and we met them at 5:45... they've been in line that entire time. And when we got there, we still had to wait at least another 30 minutes. UGH. SO HOT. SO MANY PEOPLE. AND THEY KEPT RUNNING OUT OF BEER AND CUPS. And then they wouldn't let people in the pond/fountain in front of City Hall. I mean... it was cool and I'm sure next year will be so much better since they'll have learned from this year.

Today was a lazy day spent collecting Heather and our cars after cabbing it home last night and then napping on the couch.

I have bootcamp in seven hours. Last Monday's fitness bootcamp put me out of commission for the rest of the week, so I'm definitely not going to go into berserker mode tomorrow. It's stupid to go all out crazy-style one day then not be able to move for the next 4.

I'm sleepy, in love with reading and in a happy place in life. I hope this blogging adventure sticks and is successful!

love,
xine

I'm winning you with words

2011-05-17T19:22:00.000-07:00

-jaymay

To sum it all up, if you want to write, if you want to create, you must be the most sublime fool that God ever turned out and sent rambling.

You must write every single day of your life.

You must read dreadful dumb books and glorious books, and let them wrestle in beautiful fights inside your head, vulgar one moment, brilliant the next.

You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads.

I wish for you a wrestling match with your Creative Muse that will last a lifetime.

I wish craziness and foolishness and madness upon you.

May you live with hysteria, and out of it make fine stories—science fiction or otherwise.

Which finally means, may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world.

RAY BRADBURY

I want to remake all worlds and no worlds. I want to transcribe my dreams onto paper and let you see my mind and the beauty it contains. My self-doubt cripples me and makes farce of my oft-repeated mantra, I do what I want. Fear creeps in and snares my doing of wanting. I want to write something immortal. I want to build my own eternal tomb, casting a shadow across the years.

Days like today push the words to the surface; I can feel them crawling under my skin. I’m surprised when I glance down and don’t see them pulsing on my arms. I suppose it’s because at this moment they’re traveling to my stomach and I’m going to puke them up, violently regurgitating all these feelings and emotions which boil inside of me. Words are my solace, my torment, my obsession, my master and my freedom.

I can’t breathe for choking on windy words, mouth full of consonants and vowels. I try to cough but even that cloying word clogs my throat. I’m locked in this body of ink. My only release is writing. Writing about writing for now.

Oh, this is madness.

It's been a while

2011-05-15T18:01:00.000-07:00

Dear bloggy-world,

I, once again, apologize for my lack of posting. I've been busy and mostly lazy. BUT GREAT NEWS:

I got a job! A real, honest-to-goodness JOB! I'm the Sales Admin for the inside sales group at a steel pipe manufacturer. With my experience and this being Houston, I have a feeling it's going to be pretty impossible for me to break away from the oil & gas industry, but oh well. Whatever puts money in the bank. The greatest thing so far is the environment. I LOVE my new co-workers. They're SO nice, welcoming and fun as hell. I'm becoming really good friends with two of the girls up there and I'm so glad I got this job because 1) I'm out of my jobless funk and 2) NEW FRANDS.

I'm pretty pumped about life right now. I have some pretty damn amazing friends and I'm in the process of making even more.

We won gold in flip cup at the mezz for their bar olympics yesterday and it was a ridiculous amount of fun.

This is a pretty disjointed post, but I'm sleepy and need to work on homework but I thought I'd give an update. I promise, I have a few great blog posts in the works, something meaning more than a half-assed apology to the internets and some random facts of life thrown in.

#48hourparty.

200th Post!

2011-02-24T09:57:00.000-08:00

In celebration of my 200th post, I wanted to answer a question close to my heart. I hope with everything in me that I'm like my mother. She is, without doubt, the best human being I know.

I hope I have her strength. My mom is a survivor, unbreakable in the face of any hardship life throws her way. After a life time of being handed lemons, she will, again and again and again, make the sweetest lemonade. Her determination and unfailing courage are inspirational to me. When asked about my hero, she is the first name off my lips. I don't care how cliche it is; it's true. Everything I am, I owe to my mother. She shaped me, finding the perfect balance between mentoring as a parent and being a friend.

I came to the realization in college that who I am as a person, based on my demographics and background, is such an atypical outcome for an individual. It's because I was raised by the greatest mom to ever mother. She instilled me the belief that an education is everything. That the American Dream is real -- if you put in the hard work, carry the determination and strive for it. Because of my mom, I learned how to pick myself up, brush myself off and keep going regardless of the obstacles I might encounter.

Life has never been easy for her but she's never let that keep her down. She's never given up or called it quits. Mom just lets it out then moves forward. The past is the past and in the future lies hope.

People speak of growing up to be their mother as a bad thing; I sincerely hope I grow up to be like mine.

I love you, mom.

Black Feather Monday

2011-02-21T13:03:00.000-08:00

By Marty Hon. Click here for the website!

I know I have my Exercise in Dreaming blog, but I couldn't remember enough details about my dream last night to piece together any sort of narrative. But last night's dream is making me feel weird today. Lately I've been having dreams where I'm convinced it's real life. Mostly mundane, I dream I wake up (from where I've actually been sleeping) and go about my business. Usually there's some sort of difficulty, like I'm having an incredibly hard time escaping sleep's clutches, as if my eyes refuse to fully open and stay open. At some point, I really do wake up and I'm surprised to realize that was all a dream. I will have performed some of the boring tasks life demands such as showering, brushing my teeth, discussing plans with Jonathan, etc and I wake up to find it was all a dream.

That happened again last night/this morning. My alarm went off, I shut it off and got up. This is what awake Christine realizes was the indicator that it was a dream: I had gum in my mouth and it was stuck to my permanent retainer and when I finally managed to get it out, a black feather came with it. I was horrified because I'd just woken from a dream in which I was in a haunted place and being attacked by something and only escaped after biting it and it was covered in black feathers. After taking the dogs out, going to the bathroom and grabbing my towel to go shower, I really wake up. I was so surprised. I thought I'd actually been awake and doing those things. Luckily, no black feather was really in my mouth.

However, I have this residual ill-feeling all day now. I described it to Jonathan as the constant feeling that there's something lurking just out of sight. As if a memory is sitting outside the scope of my mind, barely forgotten. I'm waiting for something, but I don't know what. The dogs have been acting strangely all day, too. I choose to attribute that to them just being dumb dogs.

It's just so weird. I need a job, something to do during the day. More structure in my life so I don't sit around this house, spending hour after hour with only animals for company.

I have to give two speeches today in class.I'm a little nervous about them because I always blush when speaking in class and the knowing that I'm blushing makes me blush even harder. Ugh. Hopefully all the practicing I'm doing will help me feel more comfortable and less prone to a hot face.

Weird post, sorry. I just needed to word vomit all of that out there.

New York Part Tres!

2011-02-15T13:01:00.000-08:00

I recently went on my third trip to the Big Apple (still haven't really done the touristy thing, I failed at getting gifts and I failed at taking my own pictures ... it'll happen someday, I promise) to see some dear friends of mine.

My first flight was canceled due to this HORRIBLE situation called SNOW. I honestly don't know how anyone can live where they get that crap on a consistent basis. It's pretty, yeah sure, but functional? Negative. I finally fly out of fear-stricken Texas a day late and end up in New York around 7 pm. I make my way via cab all the way to Chris's apartment by my lonesome (pfft, southern girls can navigate cabs and big cities ... we aren't helpless) yet somehow got confused once I was on his street and he yelled down from his window at me. He's always yelling at me, so I was pretty un-phased. He greets me outside and once inside his apartment, he says, "Come see my bathroom." I'm pretty ... oblivious? I didn't think anything of it, I just assumed something about his bathroom changed significantly enough that'd he want to immediately point it out. I open the door while asking him what the hell was so important about the bathroom when I SAW MY BF2E DAVE STANDING THERE!

1) I screamed. I was terrified by the fact a person was standing there when no one should have been.
2) Dave wasn't able to go on this trip, so it was IMPOSSIBLE he could be standing there!

Regardless of all of this, after my initial shock and surprise, I hugged him and almost cried. THE FAMILY WAS COMPLETE. So. Happy. One of the best surprises ever. :)

We went to eat before Stephen and Evan arrived and due to travel and surprise, I wasn't very hungry, so I ate some fruit while they ate more substantial food (this was a bad idea on my part). Greg and Bill met us back at the apartment (they knew Dave was there) and we had a couple drinks which led to me being slightly intoxicated by the time Stephen/Evan arrived since I'd eaten so little. Stephen knew Dave was there, so we had Dave hide behind the futon to surprise Evan.

I'm such a dumbass. I couldn't hide my happiness and was smiling at Evan like an idiot so he KNEW something was weird. But in a rare Evan over the top moment, he was completely surprised when Dave stood up.

So. Amazing. My second family was whole.

The family in all our weird glory. hahaha, this picture cracks me up. Usually -I'm- the one lookin' a fool in pictures, ruining them all, but I'm the only normal person in this picture. hahahaha. Winner.

The first night was fun. We just stayed in, drinking together and generally enjoying each other's company. We played gay truth or dare WHICH I LOVED but I don't think they all did. Boo. Lil Gee got sick and I started calling him puke bebe and Stephen ran off, but we all ended the night together and alive. That's what counts, right?

Friday night was Dave's last night (he could only stay until Saturday due to some dumb conference or something) so we wanted to make it fun! We hungovered around Chris's apartment, went to CPK for lunch (YUM), lazed about some more until dinner at Dallas BBQ (our margarita adventure zone from last time we were in NYC together!) where we met Bryson and Dan!

Embarrassing story: I had a rather intimate dream about Bryson a couple weeks/days/whatever prior to this meet up and in that dream he'd been a cowboy.

ANYHOW. So we meet them, order some delicious margaritas and I spend dinner gossiping with Bill on our end of the table. Evan has some rather yelly moments. First, he yelled at Lil Gee and Stephen when they couldn't hear the server asking how they wanted their burgers cooked: "HOW DO YOU WANT YOUR MEAT COOKED." Then my dream with Bryson was brought up and Evan turned to me and said (rather fiercely!), "If you don't tell him, I WILL."

Geez, Evdogg. :P

It was a fun dinner overall and after two TEXAS-sized margaritas and two tequila shooters, we were all feeling rather fiiiiiiiiiiine. I don't really remember the subway ride back to the apartment:

But I love this picture of the famfam. I love mah golden boys.

UGH. I wrote about karaoke right here, but stupid blogger stupidly deleted it and made it stupid.

Essentially:

- Bill was ill, Lil Gee took care of him and googled a karaoke bar for us
- Went to said karaoke bar
- Dave bought our dranks (thanks) and we were shooting tequila all night
- Sang our song, "Survivor" by DC
- Danced
- Amazing night with amazing guys

Oh. I fell on the walk back. My knee is still in recovery. Go figure.

Saturday was another hangover mope-around day. I think this was the day we watched Mean Girls? Chris had never seen it before so Lil Gee was pretty adament we watch it. Which is fine. I LOVE THAT MOVIE. I showed the guys some amazing youtube videos that quickly became themes for the trip (baby monkey, ducklings, cats flushing toilets) and we watched GSN and laughedlaughedlaughed because Stephen is hands-down the funniest friend I have. The thing I love most about Stephen is he is filter-less. He says what he means and means what he says. He just says whatever is on his mind and has no shame. It's wonderful and incredibly hilarious. :)

- New baby
-What's "light touch?!"
- Vulva

LOLS

Brybry was drinking water because he's responsible and likes to swim fast. Kudos to you.

It was a really great night and I LOVED meeting Brybry and Dan. Dan is such a sweet guy and I'm so glad we spent that time together! :) Poor boo ... he was the sicky for that night.

Sunday we lazed about again (a theme) an Brybry and Dan left, Chris had to go to work, so me, Evan, Stephen, Lil Gee and Bill were on our own. We ate some leftovers then left the wrecked apartment to go ice skating.

Which. I AM HORRIBLE AT. But it was still SO much fun! I think I'd like it more if I wasn't hungover. The cutest thing: while Bill & I were skating together, we passed this little boy who'd just fallen and was being helped up by his mom. He said, with a beaming smile on his face, "I LOVE ICE SKATING!" SO CUTE. :)

Bill ended up being stuck with me the longest and I took him down once. My bad. When they helped me up, this little girl came up to me and said, "You fell down right in front of us and made US fall." I AM SORRY LITTLE GIRL. :( But it was a lot of fun! I had to show Evan how to ice skate, but whatever, I'm a pretty gracious teacher.

We stayed in and made dinner together/watched the super bowl then played more games and talked and relished being with one another. I was still pretty drunk when we woke up and we all looked a hot mess when Stephen/Evan/and I caught a cab to LGA. Leaving them is always so hard, but being still drunk made it not so bad. But I LEFT MY PHONE IN THE CAB. UGH UGH UGH. So I lost yet another phone. Fml. I managed through my Chicago connection and watched soldiers returning home to the applause of the entire airport and cried.

I lovelovelove these precious friends of mine. Having them in my life is such a gift, one I will treasure always.

Stephen, thank you so much for making this trip happen. Chris, thanks for letting us crash as your place yet again. Guys, thanks for always going to distance to make this beautiful friendship of ours work. It amazes me beyond words. I love y'all. :)

-christine

The Measure of Love

2011-02-08T11:54:00.000-08:00

"Why is the measure of love loss?"

I need this book. Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson. It's apparently a story told in first person about a love affair with a married woman. However, you never know the gender of the narrator. I'm so highly intrigued. Apparently this is an attempt to get at the essential of love, dismissing and denying gender cliches or anything.

I found it by googling quotes about friendship and found this gem:

Yes we are [friends] and I do like to pass the day with you in serious and inconsequential chatter. I wouldn't mind washing up beside you, dusting beside you, reading the back half of the paper while you read the front. We are friends and I would miss you, do miss you and think of you very often. I don't want to lose this happy space where I have found someone who is smart and easy and doesn't bother to check her diary when we arrange to meet.

This past weekend was simply amazing. It was so refreshing to be around my golden boys. Being with them reminds me of how much I miss it when I'm not with them; they're restorative to my soul. However, I want to save my gushing over them for next time when I have pictures to put up and the energy and time to devote to making some writing worthy of such dear friends.

I want to be known for being a good person. That is all.

Steve

2011-01-27T12:11:00.001-08:00

I'm currently watching some show on E about celebrity tragedies. And it is so sad. Right now they're talking about Bill Cosby's son's murder. It's so heartbreaking. Not only to lose a child so violently, but so publicly. And such a good person.

They keep flashing pictures of Steve Irwin and I know I'm going to cry. Steve Irwin was a stranger that I knew so much about because I was and still am such a huge fan. For an animal lover such as myself, his conservation efforts were absolutely awe-inspiring. His enthusiasm for his family, his life, his beloved animals was infectious. A lot of critics condemn his hands-on and often seemingly reckless handling of wild animals, but it was entertaining and caught the attention of the world. His sweet accent and charismatic expressions made him so relatable and welcomed in many homes.

I will always remember the moment I found out he died. I was getting ready for class and my brother was visiting and sitting at my computer. He read to me that Steve Irwin died and it didn't really hit me until I was sitting in class reading about it in the Batt. Sitting in linguistics, I had to hold back tears. I think I was still emotional from Liz's death about a month prior and I don't know. It just really struck me. It was a long time before I could watch his shows. The outpouring of love from his networks was so touching. The world really lost a special soul.

Haha, please forgive my sentimentality concerning someone I never met. It seems silly, but oh well. I'm a silly person.

Bull

2011-01-22T14:50:00.000-08:00

I took this picture in the petting zoo at Santa's Wonderland, a magical place in-between Navasota and College Station. Haha, baby cows are so damn cute and funny. They're greedy and have no shame about their hunger.

Sounds like me.

:P

Jonathan left for his cruise today. I'm sad I'm not with him. I'm already tired of the cold and let's be honest, it's only been cold a few weeks (not even in a stretch... collectively, the days added together when it's been "cold" here might make 21ish days). I like the sun, tans from the beach, warm wind and long days.

I can't believe it's 2011 already and almost an entire month in. Where the hell did 2010 go? What a wonderful year for me. I traveled quite a bit to see loved ones, I slowly put together my own house (the office still remains untouched, shh) and we got Kirsty! I love our little family.

My tomato plants are growing! I started them as seeds a couple weeks ago and they're about 1.5 inches tall with a few leaves. I'm going to try one in the topsy turvy and the rest in the ground. We'll see which works best. From my lazy perspective, the topsy turvy is a winner, hands down, simply because I don't have to worry about caging them and keeping the plants upright when drooping with heavy fruit. So excited though. I love growing things. :)

If you want some fresh basil or oregano, hit me up. It's exploding at my house. The breakfast nook constantly smells like pesto :D

I've been reading like a maniac lately and I LOVE IT. In the last two weeks I've read 7 books, I think. I might be forgetting. It makes me sad when people say reading is boring; it is so escaping, inspiring and wonderful. I had a dream about Harry Potter last night ... I don't remember all of it but it was a new story and somehow warped into a Narnia-esque adventure. Awesome.

Okay. Off to golden up my skin. I need my vitamin D and sun substitute.

Excuses

2011-01-18T13:14:00.000-08:00

In other news, classes started again last week and I need to drop my Speech class because I'm going to miss it so many times. I was supposed to do that today, but I was hungover from drinking too much at Roya's last night. And I'm also growing old.

Speaking of Roya, she asked me to be her Maid of Honor! I'm over the wall excited!!! Seriously, when she asked me, I started crying because I love her so much and it makes me feel SO special that she'd ask me!

I love you, beautiful Roya! :)

Quickie

2010-12-31T16:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Blogosphere (that reminds me of the most highly desired frogosphere which I did not get for Christmas last year!),

I apologize profusely for neglecting you. My procrastination has reached fever pitch and it's rare for me to do anything useful or timely as of late. So. I'm sorry.

I want to keep up with my dream journal, but my dreams have been downright terrifying lately and I couldn't bring myself to write about them. Also, the name changing thing is starting to confuse me. I should keep a little index of who is who for reference. :)

My house is a mess, my puppies slightly stinky, and my car is dirty. I'm really horrible at being a housewife. I need direction. Like. A job. Every day another career. Yesterday I wanted to work at the gun range and shoot guns all day every day because I discovered how immensely fun it is! But, I don't think that would keep me happy forever, plus, the noise raises my anxiety. So hmmmmmm.

We're about to go to the Mezz for New Year's Eve. This will be my third NYE in a row to spend there. I hope it's a blast. It always has been. I'm sad Roya won't be there, though. :(

My friend DeAndrea is pregnant and I'm SO excited for her! She's a wonderful momma to a darling little girl (haha, she kept calling me "sister" today ... so adorable!) and any child would be blessed to have De for a mom! She said she was actually kind of scared/nervous/not excited until she told all of us and we reacted with such happiness. :)

I'm pretty sure my house is turning into Little Shop of Horrors. I keep adopting poinsettias because it makes me so sad that people think they're just seasonal decoration. NO! They can grow and grow and grow and grow! Just give them a chance! Especially here in Texas! I have five poinsettias as of now and my basil is taking over the breakfast nook. Plants are easy. You water them and put them in the sun and they thrive. I wish everything was that easy.

Sorry this is random and not of much substance. I had an itch to type words, so here they are.

Goodbye 2010! You've been a good year with quite a few unexpected, but welcomed, twists.

love,
christine

I'm over it

2010-12-04T13:25:00.001-08:00

For now. At least. I'm over taking myself too seriously. I mean. Look:

This was at Houston's inaugural wine fest (let's make this a tradition, right?) and neither Heather or I were ready for the pic, but it's one of my favorite pictures of us. It's so funny. I'm glad she posted in on facebook, haha.

So what, I don't have a job and I don't know what I want to do career-wise... I do know what makes me happy and more importantly, who makes me happy. The what follows the who and I have plenty of whos in my life.

Thank you, my wonderful, happy whos. I'll buck this melancholy that seems to have settled as of late and will return to the jovial Christine, who hopefully is a happy who for you!

Because honestly, the greatest gift I can ever hope to give my friends is to return the joy they bring me.

Sorry baby girl Kalea, that I couldn't be there today. :( I am a sick who and I don't want to spread germs to baby girl on her birthday or to momma with baby second on the way. But I love you with all of my heart! I will always remember the pure joy from you being born, as if my heart was instantly infused with gold. I'll always remember meeting you for the first time and your baby smells, warm and kinda formula-y. :P

In other random news, we have these tiny little brown beetles all over our house. We have no idea what they are, why they're here or even on what they're subsisting. They're found everywhere, not even around food. I just thought of it because Rascal just ate one off the ground. Good girl.

I think setting up the Christmas tree helped me. And Kitty's love for sleeping under it which is seriously killing the space on my phone as I take a million pictures of her cuteness.

love
christine

Almost December

2010-11-30T11:31:00.000-08:00

Belton Lake. I miss home so much it hurts sometimes.

My apologies for the lack of November postings. You would think with all of my free time now, I'd be posting out the wa-zoo, but I've felt uninspired and to be honest, a little sorry for myself. It's an indulgence I don't allow too often, so I hope you can forgive me this transgression.

I've spent the month of November kinda of morose, wasting too much time lounging on the couch, looking at the empty bird feeder and thinking, "I really need to refill it." But I haven't and it's still empty. Sorry birds.

I think I've been avoiding you, dear blog, because I failed in my NaNoWriMo endeavor. I like to tell myself if I hadn't been fired, if life had been normal, then I would have crapped out some sort of attempt at least, but who knows. I read an article yesterday about procrastinating and there are three types... I forget the other two but I'm the avoider. I procrastinate to avoid failure because I'm okay with saying I have the ability but just didn't see it through than attempting and failing.

I'm just scared I'm procrastinating life and I'm going to be on my deathbed, gasping my last breath, saying, "Well, I could have done something if I'd really wanted to, you know?"

Boo.

I don't have anything to say. I haven't had anything to say this entire month.

Yu, my blogger friend, I'm glad you're okay. Fill my head with more interesting thoughts, please.

Blessing in Disguise?

2010-11-04T13:05:00.000-07:00

I was fired Monday. Terminated is what the paperwork says. Separate is what my supervisor said we should do. All in all, it was such a devastating blow. I felt (and still feel) like a failure, a disappointment, a big let-down. I'm so embarrassed. This job was so easy, at least, that's what I think/thought. But I still failed.

They said my heart wasn't in it and they could tell. Of course my heart wasn't in it. I was treated horribly there; consultants spoke to me in the most patronizing, condescending manner. As if I was sub-par, less value than a regular human being. I was an assistant yet disdained subservience and they could detect that rebellion and hated me for it. It was to the point that I had trouble faking the smile proper public decorum requires. I knew this job was sucking the life out of me, that it was horrible and that I needed to quit. But the pay was decent and the benefits adequate. Plus I'm scared of starting over.

Now I have to.

Right before the holidays.

I know I have no reason to worry about money, but I refuse to ever go back to that constant, wretched stress and to not have a guaranteed source of income cripples me almost. I don't want to rely on anyone else. I want to be independent and able to take care of myself. I applied for unemployment, which is kind of embarrassing to admit, but as Mike says, I've been paying into the system for so long, I've earned the assistance. This blog was birthed with money woes and I will not go back to that.

This all sounds so banal. I realistically will not have to worry about money. I have a wonderful husband who supports me unwaveringly. I have a beautiful family who would give me the clothes off of their backs if it came to it, although I'd never ask. I have friends who take my breath away with their outpouring of love. And one of those great friends advised me I deserve this break from work and should enjoy it. So I'm really going to try. It's stressful because I hate the uncertainty of the situation.

I feel like I'm floating right now.

This doesn't feel like real life.

I referred to Monday as one of the top ten worst days of my life. Which made me think about what would be the top ten worst days. There's no order, just a grouping of days when I felt like I'd found life's cliched rock bottom. When Liz died. When my dad left. When Eric was so sick, the doctors didn't think he was going to live. When Sarah was fired.

It helps to put into perspective: no one died, I'll find a better job, I'll be a happier person, so truly, Christine, stop whining, pick yourself up and keep going.

Experience comes from suffering. The ability to empathize. The ability to make better decisions and to prioritize correctly the things in life.

Without suffering, what would we know of happiness?

I'll be okay.

NaNoWriMo

2010-10-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

Next month (November) is National Novel Writing Month! Brian & Jenna introduced me to the idea (and website, check it out and be my writing buddy!) and so now, ready or not world, here comes my first attempt at a novel! During the month of November, participants are asked to complete a 50,000 word novel. I'm not sure how many pages that is, but it seems like a billion to me. :P

I have various ideas zipping around my brain for characters, plots, endings, beginnings... but how does one tie them all together? How do I take an abstract and make it substantial? How do I write? I've met writers who inspire me, read what they've shared about their writing journey and I'm scared to start my own. What if, when I put my figurative pen to paper, nothing comes forth? The simple truth is I'm scared. I'm terrified. I don't know if I'm brave enough to try. To jump out there, to fall with hopes of flying but fearing falling failure.

But in the end, not trying would be the worst failure.

So I write my story with an attempt at bravery. I'm going to summon the courage to try. What am I waiting for? Words belong to me. My tools, my love, my passion. Life is too short to wait, Christine! WAKE UP. DO IT. FAIL. IT IS OKAY. KEEP GOING. FAIL FIVE HUNDRED TIMES. WRITE YOUR DAMN STORY.

I can do it!

Imagination v Experience

2010-10-11T06:28:00.000-07:00

If I'd never been in love before, would I have been able to understand it? I believe it took falling in love, having my heart broken and then loving again to fully understand the depth and nuances contained by love. To see every shade of the multi-faceted emotion of love, it's my personal opinion you need to experience it. The vulnerability, the terrifying nakedness of loving another person makes love so breathless and beautiful.

It's truly terrifying, offering your love to someone. Perhaps you didn't even offer it; it was ripped from you despite any choice or conscious decision you made. You simply cannot help whom you love. Writing that scares me...admitting the control of love and loving is beyond my capabilities and yours...who controls it then? A person doesn't purposely steal your heart, they do not arrive quietly in the night with the intent of removing a piece of you.

But it is eerie how loving occurs. How you're walking along life so easily one moment, happy in the warmth of friends and suddenly realize it's there: love has taken up residence in your heart. Your soul panics to find this newcomer, this invader, but let's be honest, love you are so damn tempting. It feels good to give in to it, glorious to love another person. And to have that returned? History has extolled endlessly on you, love, you selfishselfless beast. Let me offer my own meager words and hope you treat me kindly.

Love is essential to well-being but a risk with love is death. I'm still so young it's hard for me to think realistically of my own death or of those closest to me. But I couldn't imagine her smile ever ceasing or that his stories would have an ending. Death is another thing you cannot fully understand until someone you love dies. What a cruel thing to have to know but inevitable in life. The finality, the goneness. Grief is a bitch to bear. What do you say to someone? It just sucks that time is the only true healer, but time creates a distance between you and the now memories. Time creates past which will never have a future. To know my friends will never experience college, will never experience marrying the love of their life, will never experience so much breaks. my. heart.

I know death is one of the only true certainties in life. We were all born. We will all die. What makes us important and word-worthy is the uncertainties we pursue and attain.

Go out, experience love and fling inhibitions to the wind; life is too short not to love without reserve. Realize death is the ending of a story but god, write one hell of a tale, okay?

Dead Poets Remembrance Day

2010-10-08T08:41:00.000-07:00

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for." - Dead Poets Society

The first time I watched this movie, I was completely captivated. Here was a movie expressing the words my heart spoke. A man challenging young men to look into themselves and realize the essential, to fully acknowledge their personal power through words. He helped to show them it is through words that change is made, because a thought once formed, once written down, once spoken is forever. It is un-erasable from the mind and made immortal.

These infinite words carry the ideas which bring the tides of change. Words empower people to seek better and to pursue what is right. Remembering the down-trodden, language allows the future opportunities to make things better, to truly learn from mistakes. Pain and anguish even find elegance in words.

What purpose would life have if not for beauty? What purpose would there be to pursue life if not for love? We would be like the fleeting insects, emerging from the earth, procreating and falling to our deaths with no sense or enjoyment or life during the process. I recently watched a video online of a bunch of soldiers surprising their loved ones by their return and it made me cry so much. It was beautiful and heart-rending. Human beings at their highest, most divine moment: awash in love, unabashed about being so emotional because their loved one was safe and home and in their arms.

And using the strength of words, I compel you to find that video; I know it'll stay with you! I suppose I could link it, but where's the adventure in that? :)

Sorry this post took a while to show up... I still feel it's incomplete, but here it is. Imperfect, but a delving into my mind at any rate.

Me? Quit? Too Stubborn, Sorry.

2010-10-06T06:38:00.000-07:00

I will never give up on fairness. I've always hated the phrase, "life isn't fair" because if it can be fair, then why would it be any other way? Why do I have enough to eat, a house, friends & family who adore me and there are others in the world with nothing? Why do people stop them from having these things? Why do people stop themselves?

Regardless, I will never give up on it. I stubbornly persist that this world can be a good place with good people. I don't like the idea of anyone being past redemption, I firmly believe there is a scrap of good innate in every human being. SO I LOOK AT THE WORLD THROUGH ROSE COLORED GLASSES, whatever. I like it that way.

And.

I do what I want.

That is something I will surely never give up on. What do I want? I want people to help, not hurt, the women in the Congo. I want to welcome people into our country with open arms and have a process which makes it easy, not impossible, to pursue the American dream, a land built entirely on immigration. I want to go on a safari & follow my dreams. I will never give up on my dreams. I will travel my entire life, seeing the beautiful world and writing about it. Whether for myself or others, it doesn't matter because I'm going to write. I am going to write about helping women and feeding children. I'm going to write about amazing food I've made and served. I'm going to write about dancing with my friends and how they define freedom for me. I refuse to give up my friends.

I won't give up writing what I want to, even if it causes disjointed posts such as this.

:)

I won't give up trolling the internet or holding the door open for other people. I won't give up ... I don't know. People. I won't give up on people.

I won't give up spending time & money to see my friends.

I can't wait to my Chris in November! Then Brian & Jenna in January!! Then Goldens in May!!!

:D:D:D

Life is good. I will never give up on life.

LOL!

2010-09-24T07:11:00.001-07:00

Money.

That is what keeps me at this craphole job. I don't even make much of it. But the benefits are good and the money is money which keeps me going until I can do something I love.

But I seriously laughed when I saw this because I hate my job so much.

Better entry later. I just wanted to share this.

Quiet Nights of Quiet Stars

2010-09-16T12:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

I’m tired today.

I am tired of being a girl; I actually had to call in late to work today because I was so wracked with pain from cramps last night/this morning, I barely slept. It’s as if my body resents the hormonal control I attempted to exert over it with birth control pills & since I’ve quit them, I have out-of-this-world cramps. I actually cried they hurt so badly. It’s awful when your body wakes you up in the middle of the night because you’re in so much pain, surely you must be dying. I wanted to take the entire bottle of ibuprofen, but I just contented myself with four. They helped, kind of. It’s a dull ache instead of stabbing pain, but I’m still aware of it. I’ve eaten a handful of almonds today because they hurt so damn much. Maybe my green tea will help. Right? SOMETHING? ANYTHING? Seriously. This can’t be normal.

So, I’m sitting here in my office (re: cubical, or as we politely call them at work: “work stations”), freezing cold, aching in pain and having to go through day two of arranging international travel. For the most part, I enjoy the organized structure of finding flights, making plans and fitting it all together like a puzzle. I like labeling things, making the itineraries and seeing it all work out correctly. However, I hate having to call hotels/anywhere in the Middle East. The language barrier is extremely hard to cross and the time difference a killer, but it is always the worst struggle to make arrangements over the phone for ME trips. I try everything first: online booking tools, American HQs & booking offices, emails, anything. Unfortunately, it seems I’m going to have to call Intercontinental in Al Jubail myself. Boo. At least I’m becoming an expert in international calls and travel. Surely this will look good on a resume? I’m just tired of it today.

I’m tired of not being a writer. Like a professional, legitimate writer. My dreams have recently merged into, “I want to become a food critic, writing about my experiences with food” because that incorporates my degrees & passions. Basically, I want to write and be able to answer the question, “What do you do?” with “I am a writer.” Why am I wasting time? I don’t really care how much weight Kelly Osbourne has lost or that leather jumpsuits don’t look flattering on anybody, so why do I waste time reading about it on dailymail?!

I’m tired of being scared of failing. I’m worried that if I put myself out there, I will fail. Right now everything is possible, but how long am I going to wait with just “potential” and dreams? I’m tired of being lazy.

I’m tired of this cube and beige walls. I’m tired of living for my weekends. I’m tired of not seeing daylight because I’m in this box with no windows. I’m tired of placating people at work because I’m a lowly assistant. I’m tired of subservience and working in an industry in which I have no passion.

So, I’ll catch up on as much homework as I can tonight because I doggedly, if at a slow, hesitant pace, pursue my dreams.

Sorry for the dreary post, I’m in a dreary mood brought on my too much caffeine, pain-killers and sleep-deprivation.

Love,
christine

Step up or Shut up.

2010-09-10T08:19:00.001-07:00

I do what I want and this is why. Life is too short to be shy, too short to be apathetic, too short to be scared.

I don't want to miss any opportunities; I don't want to have regrets. I want to fall asleep at night and dream about waking moments because I'm living my dreams.

Let me teach you about altered books.

I want to talk about books and ideas and fight for something outside of myself.

Feverish eyes, containing the spark of a contagious idea, chatting into the small hours of the night. Burning, red, high on words. Then let's laugh so hard I cry and can't breathe. Maybe we'll dance.

Regardless, we'll be happy and living perfectly in that moment.

Wild women update coming soon. Be excited. I am. Love my wild women. I have some more inductees. :)

Oh Neil

2010-09-03T13:24:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

-The Sandman

Yes. I should be doing homework. I'm the worst.

The Nicest Thing

2010-09-03T07:02:00.001-07:00

Goodness me, this is a tough one! I know my last post was pretty sad & I just wanted to update that I'm in a MUCH better place. Shortly after posting that, my brother sent me one of the happiest messages I've ever received: "I'm coming home." In three words, my heart was mended from a break I was just beginning to recognize. So bubba, you have done such a nice thing for me by bringing three people I love dearly back home to us all. :)

Nice things that I will probably remember forever:

- In high school, a person I'd known forever but we'd never really been friends ourselves, asked me what was wrong when no one else did. She saw in me hurt my closest friends, at the time, ignored or overlooked. Her perception opened me up and her hug was so genuine, so full of love & compassion, I will always remember that healing moment.

- One day in college, I was so frustrated, so disappointed, and so unbearably hot because of summer, that I just climbed into the shower immediately after getting home from class, not even taking off my clothes. I just wanted the cool water on me, to wash away everything that was weighing me down. Jonathan didn't say a word. He just got in the shower with me and held me. We both probably looked crazy, standing in the shower with our clothes on.

- Eric visited me a lot summer/fall of 2006. I think he knew what a tough time I was having, emotionally and financially. Someone from his church, after hearing about my economic woes, gave me $50. Could you imagine that? Being so moved to help a stranger? I will be forever thankful for her gesture.

- At that same moment in time, Liz died. I had to take Rachel back to Austin and leave incredibly early the next morning to make it back to College Station for Liz's funeral in the morning and a mutual friend's wedding that evening. Eric drove. I will always remember standing in my bathroom getting ready and Eric was sitting at my computer. He turned and asked me, "Do you want me to go with you?" and it was more comforting than anything at that time. To know he was there for me. To know that he recognized how horrible it all was. To know he loved me so much.

- Driving to lunch/tanning with Heather one day during work, she was pulling a magazine clipping out of her purse (she always clips things out of magazines to show me and I LOVE IT :) and said, "When I saw this, I thought of you." And it was a page saying, "Ten Reasons You're the Best" and :D is the best way to describe that. I am -so- lucky to have her as a best friend. :)

- Walking home from class during my last year in college, it was raining and as I stood at a corner, waiting for the light to change, I realized I wasn't being rained on anymore. Some kind guy had come up behind me and was holding his umbrella over both of us. I smiled and said thank you and he just smiled and that was that. It was just a nice moment.

- My friends for being my friends. For loving me, for believing in me, for encouraging and uplifting me. For giving me someones to love and miss and cherish and look forward to seeing again.

My life has been a multitude of nice moments. More than I can ever recount, but I hope every one knows how truly thankful I am for each and every grace you've shown me.

What if.

2010-08-30T07:36:00.000-07:00

What if ghosts are real?
Do you like the trees?
It's so green here & I never want to leave.

I hate that people I love live so far away from me. I hate only seeing Eric, Brittney and now baby only every 6 months or so. I hate it. I miss them so much. I hate that Tiffany lives 5 hours away instead of just over 1. And now I have Katie to miss as well. I hate that we're all so busy and that Heather is going to Seattle this weekend and med school takes up so much of Roya's time. My heart breaks knowing my golden boys are just scattered across this damn continent. North America, why are you so large?

Basically, I'm a selfish wretch and if I could, I'd gather up all these favorite people of mine and make them always hang out with me.

No deep thoughts today. Haven't looked at thoughtquestions in a few days. I'm just sad and I miss my family & friends. I am tired of constantly missing someone but to end positively: I am so thankful beyond words that I have them to miss.

Memento Mori

2010-08-25T06:50:00.000-07:00

“But this will not do, God will certainly punish you for stealing.” -Jupiter Hammon

A seemingly normal day, Christine entered her cubical, dropping silently into her chair hoping not to give notice to her cube-mates of her presence (they have the most pesky habit of informing her supervisor of her recurring tardiness). Settling in, everything appeared to be in place: ear-buds for Pandora listening within easy reach, chapstick on computer stand, coffee cup ready for use. Christine logged onto her computer, checking her email (much to her delight, her step-father’s birthday gift had shipped!) and opened up all the necessary tabs for online updating. While everything was loading, Christine grabbed her mug and headed to the coffee-maker for some energy, pausing to take inventory of paper and coffee supplies for later.

Sitting back down, sipping her warm brew, Christine proceeded through her regular morning tasks of checking twitter, gmail, using her adventures in KoL and settled in to work on organizing her binder. Pulling out her school stuffs, Christine opened the binder, reached for the hole-punch and...

DUN DUN DUN!

WHERE IS THE HOLE-PUNCH?!

In its place were a few, left-behind circles of paper, the refuse from an often-used hole-punch. Considering outlining the holes of paper as a crime scene, Christine stared aghast at her misfortunate discovery. Certainly SOMETHING in the office supply hierarchy was sacred! Something above common, petty thievery! Alas, her beloved (although temperamental) hole-punch had been stolen! Taken in the night (well, sometime between 4:30 pm yesterday and 7:30 this morning), callously abducted.

Mourning her loss, Christine’s head slumped to the desk in frustration. Surely after the scissors, the permanent marks, the pens, the stapler, the thief would have enough supplies to leave her alone! She should have put her name on it, too! The newly labeled scissors are safe; the hidden markers are still there! And how can the kidnapper know how to adequately care for the silly little hole-punch?! He likes to catch on the middle hole! Please be gentle! They didn’t take the extension card Christine uses to free the paper from the hole-punch’s middle punch! Poor, poor dear.

Fearing the worst, Christine knows she will never see her fickle hole-punch again.

Good-bye my love, we’ll always have Paris.

"I don't believe in circumstances."

2010-08-17T13:59:00.000-07:00

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. -G.B. Shaw, Mrs. Warren's Profession, 1893

I almost feel greedy & selfish sometimes, how zealously I pursue my dreams. My dreams? Happiness in my profession; I want to make money (necessary for my lifestyle) and be happy doing so. I work to live, but I want more than that. I want to derive joy from my career. It sounds really selfish to me sometimes, but as far as I know, I only have one life to live. I refuse to live to work. So I spent my years at A&M studying topics of interest to me without the promise of a lucrative career. I toil in a job right now that does not bring me the desired joy, so I'm back in school pursuing more avenues for happiness. SOMETHING WILL LAND ME A DAMN CAREER IN WHICH I WILL BE HAPPY. :P

If that doesn't work, I'll just keep going. I refuse to lament my current situation without seeking refuge from it. I will make myself a new context in which I find my happiness. I'm as bad as the nomadic Beats journeying after the elusive It; however, my It is simply doing something I love. I do what I want and I will make it happen. If one option falls through, I rejoice in the experiences along the way and keep on going. I have found so many things which pique my interest, so many fields I'm fascinated by.

In other words, I have so many options. :)

I pursue my dreams by creating my own circumstances, by doing what I want. I want to work hard and obtain the necessary education to reach those goals. I can do it! I will do it!

I hope I win the lottery someday so I don't have to work and I can just a professional student ;) That would be the perfect career.

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale

Silence is so accurate.

2010-08-04T06:33:00.000-07:00

-Mark Rothko

As a self-proclaimed, ardent lover of words, I will be the first to tell you there is a time when words are insufficient. Silence is the only medium for some expressions, moments, emotions.

After Liz died. (4 years ago this coming Sunday.) In the infinite moment of grief, no words are needed and none will work. Rachel held me and I cried. At her funeral, when we were seated and everyone was still walking in, the silence was a physical force, cradling us against our overwhelming sadness.

When Bobby died. Holly called to tell me & asked if I could call & tell other people in College Station for her. I remember calling my brother last because I knew how it would hurt him. I finally got home to my mom and I said, "People dying is so hard" and in the following silence, she just held me.

There is comfort in silence. Words, at such times, can be ineffective & cheapen the sentiment.

But silence isn't reserved simply for sorrow.

Seeing my brother graduate from high school, then college. Seeing him marry. Watching him as a father. My heart swells with love & pride and in those quiet moments, I am so full of joy.

I have never seen anything more beautiful than Eric holding Kalea.

I love spending quiet moments with Jonathan. What words are needed between two loving hearts?

RATHER MUSHY BLOG ENTRY FOR WEDNESDAY (i hate when people call it hump day) but I figured I could be mature since I drink black coffee now.

love,
christine

If you were an ocean, I'd learn to float.

2010-07-27T13:14:00.000-07:00

God, I love Pandora. I finally gave in and paid for a year's subscription. LOVE IT. I use the desktop application now & use it on my phone all the time. SO WONDERFUL. FIVE STARS A+++++++++++.

Anyhow, my title is from "All I want is You" by Tristan Prettyman. I love the song; it's really simple sounding, yet very genuine and endearing. It reminds me of how I love: deeply & honestly but simply & sometimes silly. :)

The picture is from when Jonathan said, "maybe" to my request for eating Freeb!rds one time and this was my reaction :P Inspired by Allie.

And no, none of these people are paying me. Just google. :D

Not much substance today. I'm merely attempting to keep myself awake at work before I go to class. I'm so exhausted. I bet my mom tells me to take some B complex vitamins.

I did not win the "Lost in Forks" Volvo contest. Stupid Allyson T. did. Hate her. That'd be so tyte to win a free Volvo. I'd be torn between keeping it and selling it. Hmm. Maybe keep it and sell the Kia :D

Jonathan is signing us up for Zumba classes! I think we're going Thursday! THESE HIPS DON'T LIE.

Dear Big Brother: Please cast me.

love
christine

Sensible.

2010-07-21T07:55:00.001-07:00

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.
Ruth Gordon

Is there ever a time when giving up makes sense? Yes; giving up makes sense almost all of the time. It's the easy out, the wide-path to settling. You might not be happy, but you're not hard-pressed. You might not live a joyous life but neither is your life torturous. It's sensible to give because the alternative means struggling, hard-work, sometimes pain & suffering and in the end might not even come to anything. It's easy & comfortable to live in gray.

Fortunately for us all, the world is populated with people who are illogical & insensible. Those damn stubborn individuals who refuse, under any circumstance life decides to dole out, to give up. To you, I say thank you. Your courage motivates me. Your determination inspires me.

Louise Ballerstedt Raggio could have given up. Growing up destitute, Raggio worked her entire life, never giving up. She worked her way through law school back when women weren't supposed to be lawyers. She changed Texas legislation, paving the way for women in all states to finally have rights which had been denied previously. She removed 44 legal restrictions, giving women equality in Texas. She's now celebrated as one of the country's top family lawyers. Texas Tornado, you have my complete admiration. Thank you, so much, for not giving up.

I ardently hope some day I can look back at the full context of my life and pat myself on the back in congratulations for not being sensible. For not giving up when it made sense. For not settling. For being illogical, stubborn, taking this world in both hands and demanding more. The best. I can do it.

My Sweet Love You're Beautiful

2010-07-15T19:28:00.000-07:00

I'm currently obsessed with "Beautiful Goodnight" by Josh Kelley.

I'm really glad I didn't make a post earlier today when I was so full of anger, disappointment, frustration... just a general intense negativity. I was and am so fed up with my job. It's not the actual work that I hate; no matter how crappy the job, someone has to do it to make the entire thing work, right? I recognize the value & importance in apparently insignificant details. Anyhow, it's the inefficiency, the laziness, the stupidity, the condescending manners and judgment from my co-workers that drives me absolutely batshit crazy.

I digress. I didn't want to turn this into a venting entry.

I watched a movie tonight called TiMER. It left me feeling so weird. Which is good I guess? It was about soulmates and true love AND THE PEOPLE YOU EXPECT TO END UP TOGETHER DON'T BUT IT IS STILL HAPPY SOMEHOW. So I'm left feeling happy & sad at the same time and I have to reconcile this somehow. Damn you, movie.

It'd probably be easier to process if I was a normal person and could accept it was just a movie but well, for those 89 minutes IT WAS REAL. k. I have problems bringing that 4th wall I learned about in theater back up after willingly suspending my disbelief. Hell, suspension of disbelief? I abandon disbelief with a frightening recklessness. Oh well. It's just really detrimental when I watch scary movies. I was traumatized by The Grudge.

Do you think everybody has something or possibly somethingS that just bubble out of them? That consume them all the time, that hover in the recesses of the mind, stand ready in the shadows? For the life of me, I want to know why I have so many words in this one body. They aren't even talented words, or sensible words. They are there demanding I let them out & typetypetype. Maybe it's because I read too much and it's like every now & then I have to empty out all those nouns, adjectives, verbs, gerunds!, etc when they clutter up my head.

I'm talking with Jonathan right now about how right before he came home from bowling I was about to be in a scary movie because the air conditioner makes really terrifying noises & it sounds like someone is in the hallway closet so I had my laptop camera on so no one could sneak up from behind me and he said, "What are you even saying right now? Do you even know what you're saying right now?" And instead of answering I just typed it all out. :)

There was no point to this entry other than to dump some excessive words out on this page. What I refer to as WORD VOMIT. So does that make me a word bulimic? HMMM.

I just want to let the world know that I am happy. I love my life. I love being back in school. I love my friends deeply & dearly. I hope Mom & Michael give Alex a million hugs for me. I love my bird feeder Jonathan put up for me & the little birds & squirrels eat all the seeds SO QUICKLY. I love my topsy turvies and the bell peppers that are growing & my lime-studded lime tree I planted! I LOVE GROWING THINGS. I love my puppies: ALL THREE. I love kitty and her purrs. I love that maybe the oil is stopped. I love dorky friends & shitshows. I love Texas. I love 1980's Romantic dramas. I love sweet potato french fries. I love hot baths & reading while sipping chamomile tea. So I'm gonna go do that.

love
christine

Spin Pins

2010-07-08T08:05:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty obsessed with these two little pins. You will never see me without a bun, ever again. They allow me to be SO lazy with my hair; I love them.

Anyhow, they are not the purpose of this entry, although I had to share them and I didn't know what other picture to put on here. SO THERE YOU GO.

My second quarter at the Art Institute starts Monday and I'm pretty nervous. The class is Monday/Tuesday from 5:30-10:30 pm. I really hope it doesn't run that long every Monday/Tuesday. I will be the walking dead come Tuesday/Wednesday. OH WAIT. I HAVE CLASS ON WEDNESDAY, TOO. And an online class. Yup, I'm now officially a full time student and a full time worker. I've found myself in the ranks of "The Really Responsible" and "The Really Determined." But let's be honest: I feel slightly like a fraud in either category. This will be my second degree pursuing something I love; the second time I've worked my way through college. I don't understand school & unemployment. Dear old people: you're welcome for my Social Security.

I hope I find some lucrative career with this degree. Something I truly enjoy that brings in enough money to allow me to be happy & stable. I really want to be a teacher. God, is it bad to want to be so many things? I want to be a wife, mother, writer, chef, teacher, happy person, etc. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? I can do it.

If I'm being honest with myself, I want to be a teacher for three reasons:
1) To get summers and holidays off. I'd be lying if I listed this reason any lower.
2) To once again and for always immerse myself in English literature & language and NEVER COME UP FOR AIR.
3) To hopefully teach just one kid out there the beauty, joy, hope & magic found in words

I miss my English classes, the community I established with people passionate about words like me. I miss it so much. Never leave college. My friends don't want to discuss ideas found in books, the power of words, the meaning & reaction of poems. And that's fine, we have a different relationship. But I miss talking about the elusive "it" beat writers sought, I miss talking about the high jazz music brings, I miss thinking about heavy-stepping time and the immortal tomb of Shakespeare of which kings are jealous. I miss reading straight through Paradise Lost (it takes 8 hours!), I miss "my negritude is a stone" and crying when Cesaire died. I miss that damn yankee in King Arthur's court.

So I can't wait to get lost in that again. Talk about Daisy and the American Dream. Mourn over Edna's death while celebrating her liberation. Watch Sal & Dean traipse the open road, as the best minds of their generation were destroyed by madness, starving hysterical, naked.

Although, I doubt we could read Ginsberg in conservative Texas schools. Hmm.

I do not have enough time in this world to read.

One Wish

2010-07-06T12:56:00.001-07:00

I would wish for my parents to adopt Alex so we could all rescue him. I dream about him.

No New Job? It's k, bitches.

2010-06-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

I didn't get the new position I applied for... which is a huge bummer. I'm glad the temp girl didn't get it over me, because that'd definitely enrage me. Their hiring procedures really baffle me. I don't know whether to feel flattered I was hired in the first place because they only hire "cute" girls as staff assistants, or annoyed that I was so objectified. I don't know. I hate that this is the second time I was passed over on a higher position for some bullshit reason or another. I'm more than qualified for the position and I know for a fact I would have done an awesome job.

It's just... so discouraging. I feel you have to be completely neurotic to be a female and succeed in this industry and hell, I don't even WANT to succeed in this industry. I hate the sexism emanating from this place, though. I felt so weird/awkward/objectified at conference. They had us dress really nicely and run the registration table. So the first thing our clients see is a table full of cute girls. I'm not sitting here tooting my own horn or trying to be vain, but it's just weird. They would never admit it, but c'mon. It's so ... weird. I don't know. I don't like the way it makes me feel. And then having to deal with the awkward advances of some of the clients. It's messed up.

ANYHOW. I was bummed for like 3 minutes, then checked my grades for my first quarter at the Art Institute and I got a 3.8!! I've never gotten such good grades in college! Damn, this is how all you nerds have been feeling?! I like this! I feel like such a rockstar! On cloud 9! Woo hoo!!

So it's been an up/down day. Jonathan is going to take me out to eat at Joyce's tonight! My favorite restaurant in Houston! :) I'm going to get the Mahi Mahi in case any of you are wondering.

This post is disjointed & makes little sense.

I'm just in a mood. A good one? A bad one? Nah, definitely not bad. But a strange mood nonetheless.

I'm going to be a teacher because I love kids, summers off and reading.

NASA: I hope your astronauts get a kick out of my picture.

love,
christine

I want to fly.

2010-06-18T06:58:00.000-07:00

I feel most like myself when I'm with good friends who allow me to be free. To drop all inhibitions & laugh so hard I cry. Particular moments stand out to me: I love the freedom of being in a car, with the music playing, just laughinglaughinglaughing. I feel wild, free, crazy, so in love with life then. When the wind is on my face, when I feel wild, when I feel free, that is when I feel most like myself. When my heart is open wide & if I stretched out my arms, I'd just fly away, I'm so happy. This is christine at her most christine.

I'm not very good at drawing wings. Whatever.

I like wearing red dresses and dancing and laughing with my friends.
I like making things and giving gifts to people.
I like knowing I'm making things better.

Today's Joy

2010-06-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

I'm being kind of grumpy and mean today (and kind of lately) and I don't like it. SO SORRIES TO ALL MY FRIENDS. Here is a positive post to hopefully get me back on track to being a nicehead.

My joy today looks like:

shirtless pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal after watching Prince of Persia :P
LOLcats shared with Heather
running errands by myself (weird, but I enjoy that little alone-time)
reading about Shakira's foundation for children (so sweet!)
"All I have to do is close my eyes and I can imagine their faces; I know that each child has a name, a heart, a dream; I know that their lives are just as valuable as yours or mine. Yet many of these children die every day in total abandonment." - Shakira. I think we would be friends.
Bright, sunny summer days, I love the heat & blue sky
Percy's tongue in the morning when he wakes up
Jonathan being okay doing the mowing/weedeating because it sounds just horrendous to me
Jordan sending me bioshock music, haha, which is surprisingly good
Flowers waiting for me at home :)
my new candle at work
trying to be nice to Dave
Kingdom of Loathing

I'm sure there's more, especially since today isn't over, but I have to do real work now & while it sucks, I'm very thankful to have a job & one with this company. Despite my complaints, it's a great company that offers great benefits & I'm glad I don't have to worry about money. :)

I hope everyone is having a good Monday!

sincerely,
love,
christine

Another Idea I'll eventually Abandon

2010-06-09T08:21:00.001-07:00

Many of you know my extreme addiction to stumbleupon, which is how I landed at this website. I instantly fell in love with it: pretty pictures and inspiring questions. Of course, being incredibly intelligent, I realized a great blogging opportunity! I thought I could use these "thought questions" to motivate me to write in here more. I'm rather bad at updating consistently, which is something I must remedy. So...without further ado -- MY FIRST THOUGHT QUESTION BLOG ENTRY.

Wow, let's go big or go home, shall we?

Automatically, I say yes. But obviously there's more to this than yes or no. Who am I saving? Why does their life mean more than mine? Is this a split second decision, such as pushing someone out of the way of a train or a choice given time to decide. I'm not really sure in what scenario the time factor would be there (unless it's like Seven Pounds, which made me sob uncontrollably: car crashes, loss of loved ones, unfathomable sacrifice GAH) unless we're speaking of more immaterial ways of "giving up my life." Would I enslave myself, demean myself, give up the essence (so to speak) of life if they "saved" someone? How am I saving them? Their life? Their way of life?

I read a book once (sadly, I don't remember the title nor the author) about a girl in some middle eastern culture set in the past. Once reaching puberty and getting her period, she'd be married off into an arranged married to her cousin. However, her older sister's future husband (their other cousin) is killed so her sister marries the cousin intended for our main protagonist. This leaves the younger sister husbandless and her father basically sells her to an old, old man with a multitude of wives already. The girl attempts to run away, killing her favorite camel in the process, and in the end still has to marry the old man. It sounds ridiculous, I know, bear with me. The most poignant moment and one I will always remember: As her father beat her for running away, she said she took out each happy memory of her life, surveyed it, then folded it up, hiding it away forever in her heart. So did she give up her life to save her family & societal expectations?

If we're talking, would I step in front of the bullet for friends & family? Yes, without hesitation, without thought. I love my friends & family so very fiercely, there is little I would not do for them. For every moment of happiness they've given me, I would gladly die in their stead so they can continue sharing with the world the joy I've experienced in knowing & loving them. And admittedly, there is selfishness in this: I know what it's like to go the funeral of friend and I want to repeat that as few times as possible. In dying first, I won't have to spend a day without them :P You suckers better throw me one awesome funeral party is all I'm saying.

Just a couple stipulations:

1) Make sure they take EVERYTHING they can out of me. I can't believe people give a shit what happens to their bodies after they die. GIVE IT UP. I want to help people LIVE! I don't want to just fertilize the earth. So make 100% sure those doctors take every last inch of me they can to help someone else. My liver might not be much good, but I've taken pretty good care of my heart & lungs and I would love to beatbeat & breathebreathe for someone.

2) Do not bury me! I don't want to take up precious landspace for a rotting corpse! Cremate my ass and dump the ashes somewhere special to me. That sounds nice.

That got kind of morbid, but whatever. Maybe I will never die. UNLESS IT IS FOR SOMEONE, DUH.

Okay. I'm getting too anxious about lunch to continue in a serious vein. Also, I'm calling Rachel a hobo on gchat and I really need to focus on that.

love
christine

Oh the places I will go.

2010-06-04T08:43:00.000-07:00

I want to see everything & go everywhere. I want to visit friends & family. I want distance to be a thing of the past & absence to be a feeling only known to memory.
This is from my first trip to New York to visit Chris. Under an overcast sky, we navigated around a huge Brazil-fest to nurse hangovers while sitting in Times Square. He was drinking Jamba Juice & I think I only had water. Drinking extreme amounts of Bacardi Coco is not recommended if you want to be useful the day after. BUT. It was fun. It's ridiculous how many people are in one place. It's ridiculous one of my best friends live all the way in stupid New York.

This was my second trip to Las Vegas. I had left my cell phone behind at a restaurant and so we all didn't have to walk back (it was chilly & my feet were starting to hurt from the heels), Jonathan went back alone to fetch it. That left me & Mike alone and I asked him to take this picture for me. If memory serves me correctly, it was a dollar a spin at this outrageous machine. No, I did not win. That's why I still beg for adsense clicks from you people.

This is probably the silliest souvenir you can purchase on Bourbon Street. I never actually saw anyone moon in this manner, although I did see more than my fair share of boobs being displayed. Also, there is no street intersecting Bourbon called Mardi Gras. To my knowledge, at least. But anyhow. I love this city. lovelovelovelove. I want to spend some time out of downtown though and explore everything it has to offer.

Brittney & me while touring the Tower of London with the London Bridge in the background. We took a family trip there in 2008. I really love England except I hate the cold & I hate the constant rain. This was my second time visiting & I hope to go back soon!! I want to experience the nightlife of London and then spend some most time in the Cornwall area. I LOVED being on the coast. There was something absolutely magical watching the water break on the cliffs with castles in the background.

Haha, the first time I went to visit Eric & Brittney in Kentucky, this was one of the only "good" pictures to come out of it. I am terrible at taking pictures if I'm the only one responsible for it. Little Kalea was just a sprout growing in momma's tummy at this point. :D

Oh Hurricane Ike. I was just settling into my new home of Houston, Texas and you decided to throw me a welcoming party! What should we do when we get out of work early Thursday and work is canceled on Friday?! WHY GO OUT DRINKING OF COURSE. Someone wrote this on the wall at Howl at the Moon & I laughed pretty damn hard. Poor aggies!!

HOUSTON! I have come to love this vibrant city so dearly. It's diverse beyond all expectations and absolutely thriving. It's a big city but I don't feel lost here. I don't feel adrift and just a number. I'm making roots here; I hope to call this place home for as long as it'll have me.

lols. One of my favorite jobs of all time was working at the physical plant for Texas A&M. Despite his stand-offish demeanor, I know the head electrician, Mack, adored me and thus it was rather easy to convince him to take me the pressbox of Kyle field!! He even let me go all the way on top and run around the whole pressbox!! It was so neat!! I love my school & will forever bleed maroon; so, it was such an amazing experience to see something not every Ag has the opportunity to: Kyle Field Press Box VIEW! :D WOO!

I'll end my little trip down travel/experience memory lane with a picture from my honeymoon in Athens, Greece. It was cold. It was raining. We got lost walking to this place and had to brave tons of bees. There were a million annoying tourist groups who continued ruining pictures. But I was so happy the entire time. I was with the man I love in a country I love, exploring such ancient world history. This was the stuff I studied in all my multitude of Classics courses. My mock divorce video, featuring Greek women, THIS HAPPENED HERE. How cool is that? Not the divorce thing, the Greek thing :P

Anyhow. Enjoy. I'll have a more substantial post at some point in the future.

Finally I fail less.

2010-05-27T08:33:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK POST!!1

Wednesday started out a bit chaotically at work; of course, they have a sixth sense for when people go on vacation. BUT IT WAS OKAY BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO NY AFTER SPENDING A LOVELY AFTERNOON WITH MY BFF, ROYA.

Roya met me at home, we went & stuffed our faces at CPK, got our nails/toes done then headed to the airport. I flew AirTran... ew. Probably won't EVER do that again. Whatever. It got me to my darlings so it's k.

I WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE MY CHRIS AGAIN. The worst part about meeting friends from online is the constant state of missing you're then in because you live so far apart. Chris has found a way to my heart and is one of my closest friends. And then to see my bestf2evar! AH! DAVE! :)

I felt bad that we were tired of waiting at the airport so the excitement had worn off a little when Stephen arrived but I was still incredibly happy to meet him, my fellow blond!! We took a taxi to Chris's apartment where Kyle then Evan met us. We played spoons & drank Texas tequila. I demonstrated my prowess at flip cup. However, it was all a bit too much for Stephen's empty stomach and some sickness occurred, followed by hobo-like peeing in bushes, a supposedly broken toilet & finally drunken slumber. It was a good first night with my beautiful goldens.

Hello Thursday! Showering wasn't really an issue (I didn't think it would be but when 6 people share one bathroom, there is a little concern!) and soon we were on our way to Central Park. (After eating breakfast/brunch at this little diner.) We'd decided to play survivor that day & had decided on tribes of 3 beforehand. Evan/Kyle & I were tribe WIN (my name :) and Chris/Dave/Stephen were tribe LOSE. Unfortunately, these names were not indicators of the challenge outcome as our boat was turned around and we lost. :( Evan & Kyle were going to vote me out but a few well-placed "omg"s were enough to convince Kyle to keep me & oust Evan. Sorry! But hey, I beat Evan in something (probably the only time). I think our next challenge was balancing on some branch? Regardless, I lost. We found a pretty sweet Tribal Council spot, however.

I knew I should have written this sooner. I'm forgetting details. After the branch challenge, Stephen was voted out. We walked around Central Park & since I forgot my damn allergy medicine, I was dying. Sneeze-city. Got some benadryl, which helped, but made me sleepy as hell. We made up some cup challenge and Kyle kept taking himself out & eventually Chris won. SO THEY ALL VOTED ME OUT. h8. The next challenge was memory where Kyle pwned Dave & Chris in an embarrassing way, leaving a final two of Chris/Kyle. In a vote of 3-0, Kyle WON! YAY TRIBE WIN!

Olive Garden in Times Square was dinner & I felt a little bad because I was -so- out of it from the allergy medicine. Post-dinner we went back to the apartment & watched Survivor together because, duh, we had to; it's what brought us all together! After Survivor, it was going out time and while we played spoons, we took turns getting ready. We wanted to hit up this place called Southern Hospitality, but they THOUGHT MY ID WAS FAKE. Yes, the girl with the southern accent, Texas tattoo, oldest person in the group HAS A FAKE TEXAS ID. WTF. I was SO taken aback by it (and still am!)... even with my credit card, he "wasn't buying it." Buying what? I wasn't selling anything! Anyhow, fuck you. H8 that place. So we left there and went to some other bar. Idk where. Idk what it was called. But I made a friend! The bartender!

Stephen was filming her pouring our (tequila!) shots & she got pissed because she thought he was filming her boobs or something, I suppose. Anyhow, we drank and sat in a corner, bitching about people we know/games/etc. It was a nice night :)

We had more endurance challenges waiting for the sub and were generally goofy. I don't remember if we did much of anything after getting back? See... I need to write while this is fresh on my mind!

Anyhow. Friday. ZOO DAY. YAY! Chris scoffed at my brilliant idea of going to the zoo but it was actually really fun! Unfortunately, Kyle left us this day & missed golden zoo time. :( BUT. We went to the zoo where we met (re: observed) this funny, fierce black woman named Shirley. She could kick my ass & that is part of the gauge I use when judging a person's coolness and friend-ability. I liked the petting zoo although it was a little on the weak side. The children's zoo was the most fun, though.

For Friday, we eat dinner at this place called Dallas BBQ & boy was I going to hate it if it didn't do Texas proud. BUT IT WAS AWESOME. We had these giant "Texas" margaritas (because everything's bigger in Texas, duh) which had an extra shot of tequila in them!! I had challenged Evan to a margarita contest and since he doesn't read this: I won! :D I got this giant bbq burger & it was fabulous! We made friends with the people behind us even though they still haven't accepted my friend request on facebook.

This was the beginning of getting weird.

After drinking two margaritas each (well, we all helped finish Chris's because he's a giant wuss), we found our way back to the apartamento where we proceeded to get REALLY weird. This section of the night is where it all starts getting hazy. Unfortunately, there's a video & pictures. I swear, I spent my entire life not realizing I had an accent & I don't think I had much of one until college & all those damn hicks at the school. But now when I'm drunk it's like Texas-city! I'm still on the fence about this. How can a person sound southernly sophisticated? I guess this ties into: how can a person sound sophisticated drunk, but whatever, that's not my point. ANYHOW I DIGRESS.

We get all-gussied up and hit the bars near C's apartment. I thought we spent the whole night at one bar when apparently we went to three? We took shots of jager (kind of remember) and irish car bombs (don't really remember). Clearly I needed more shots. :D We danced. <3

STUPID BLOGSPOT KEEPS DELETING THIS SECTION AND I REFUSE TO GIVE IN. THIS IS THE THIRD TIME. THIRD TIME BLOGGER. FUCKING QUIT. I WILL WRITE ABOUT KARAOKE NIGHT AND YOU CANNOT STOP ME.

- Chris left :(

- Slow getting ready (hungover)

- Christine + Travel + Hungover = immense hunger but inability to eat, thx tummy

- Central Park where we frisbeed, observed dancers, laid down

- Sushi where we had sake

- Search for champagne

- Cigars & drinking games: got weird

- KYLE SURPRISED US

- Karaoke!! Goldens sang Survivor by Destiny's Child

It was pretty late when we got back but we're determined people. We made poutine (yum) and then passed. out. Bleh. Dave & Stephen tried to sabotage us by their alarms not going off, but luckily I woke up (& freaked out) and Dave & I made it to the airport in one piece.

Basically:

I love my golden boys. I'm sad they're so far away from me because they bring so much joy to my life. They're funny, intelligent and such great friends. But more than sad, I'm so very thankful to get to meet them and have them welcome me into their lives. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU & GET WEIRD AGAIN! <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_WOwyc8-Ldkk/S__JhbEXsaI/AAAAAAAAAiI/HwDmT1WeLms/s1600/Golden+Zoo.jpg">

NY POST. JK.

2010-05-25T22:28:00.000-07:00

:D

I started writing it at least. I was just looking over my other posts and noticing at random points I'd utilize the labels feature and saw Alex's name.

I had a dream about him. He didn't recognize me and wouldn't let me hug him. It's overwhelming to me, my love for him. The way this tiny person, a stranger yet blood, just came into my heart and took it over. I don't even know what to do at this point. How can I save him? I feel scaredworriedoverwhelmedterrifiedlostconfused when it comes to Alex. This is part of why I never wanted to know him. To selfishly protect myself from the pain that anything having to with my father brings. But I fully accept him as my tiny, baby brother. Sorry Eric, you aren't alone as my bubba now. :P

I want life to be a story where I'm the heroine. I swoop in and kick down doors, fighting the man, sticking it to 'em, to rescue that precious child. I want to embrace altruism and just drive to Belton and steal him away from what I know will be a horrible life. What do I do? I have no super powers, I am not brave. I write letters that do nothing. I speak to judges with no affect because I'm so emotionally abused by this whole situation that I cannot stop from crying. It's surprising to me how much a person can cry. You'd think there'd be a cap on that shit. Ah well.

Alex, my love, my darling, my precious baby brother. I will figure something out. I will try and be brave. I promise not to be dad.

I am the WORST blogger.

2010-05-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

Sorry sorry sorry. This isn't a NY update. Hell, I still haven't written about visiting my fam fam in February. The worst.

I just had to update to vent.

Sensitive male readers, be warned: I am going to type in all caps about how my period turns me into a raging She-Hulk.

DEAR MOTHER NATURE: FUCK YOU. I HATE CRAMPS. I HATE HOW I'M ABOUT TO BURST INTO TEARS WATCHING BOY MEETS WORLD FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. SITTING IN CLASS YESTERDAY, I WANTED TO EXPLODE OUT OF MY CHAIR, RIP MY DESK IN HALF, USING THE JAGGED WOOD TO HACK AWAY AT MY UTERUS. AND THIS, EVERY SINGLE MONTH? YOU ARE SO CRUEL. GODDAMMIT EVE. I WANT TO CLAW INTO MY BODY AND REMOVE THIS OFFENDING ORGAN WHICH TORMENTS ME 12 DAMN TIMES A YEAR. YOU MAKE ME FAT WITH SO MUCH WATER WEIGHT AND I'M WAITING FOR BALLOON BOY TO SHOW UP TO HITCH A RIDE ON MY BLOATED ASS. I WANT TO LAY THIS CITY FLAT LIKE A ROARING GODZILLA, HELL BENT, BLIND WITH RAGE. I WANT BLOOD TO DRIP FROM MY FANGS AND CLAWS, THE MONSTER INSIDE UNLEASHED. IT'S LIKE THE MOON CHANGING ME INTO A WEREWOLF. BEWARE. I DON'T HOWL. I ROAR.

On the other hand: whew! Not pregnant! :D

From Tiffany

2010-05-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

She posted this on my facebook wall.

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, invincible.... No wait... I'm thinking of alcohol.

NY post tonight.

I am bad at school

2010-05-04T12:57:00.000-07:00

I should be working on my recipes.

OH DAMN YOU INTERNETS & YOUR DISTRACTING WAYS.

Message Received.

2010-05-03T06:07:00.001-07:00

Brian keeps sending me stumbles about writing. Okay! Entry time.

I did pull weeds this weekend. I have for a couple weekends now. I'm beginning to understand avid gardeners complete abhorrence for these pesky, evil things. They rob your beautiful flowers & veggies of much needed nutrients and living space. Yesterday my mom was watching me pull up some "Rabbit's cabbage" (I think that's what she called it) & she told me when she was little, she would eat the plants when they were brand new, the shoots tender. Man, kids on farms must be starving.

Anyhow. I planted some flowers out front with everyone's help. Mom, Michael, Alex and even Jonathan got in on the action! It was a fun way to spend a morning. Later on I planted some potatoes (but I'm pretty sure it's way too late in the season for them to produce anything worthwhile).

It's such a joy to plant things and watch them grow... super satisfying.

OMG ANYHOW I FLEW IN A HELICOPTER YESTERDAY!

For Valentine's Day, Jonathan purchased me a helicopter flight over Kemah. IT WAS SO COOL. This helicopter was tiny & adorable & I want to be a helicopter pilot now. I"ll try & remember to post pictures once I have them on the computer.

I'm going to eat my wild blueberry muffin oatmeal now. I really am going to try & write in here with more frequency.

love,
christine

KV knows what's up: So it goes.

2010-04-29T08:24:00.000-07:00

Life, you crazy.

I wasn't challenging the gods, spiting idols, none of that. I was just making a declaration of intent in my last post. A promise of passion. I didn't mean "Hey, throw some shit my way to test out that whole 'courage' thing, pls."

But you did & I survived. So eat that, fear. I know where you belong, your low rank and you definitely are not high on my priorities.

From a newly found Wild Woman: Eva Markvoort

i am not afraid to say the word 'love'.
i am not afraid to love.

i am not afraid of jumping with both feet.
falling head first.
grasping hands.
holding hearts.
looking deep into eyes without blinking.
singing out loud.
running down grocery aisles and leaping into open arms.

the loves of my life have taught me many aspects of love.
whether it is in the form of silent support.
all night cuddles.
tiny gestures.
knowing the one right word or look or tucking my hair behind my ear.
being able to quicken my heart beat with a look
or slowing it down with a hand held to my chest.

i fall in love with smiles.
my favourite thing about a man is the wrinkles around their eyes.
the deeper the wrinkles the more you know they smile every day.
these lines are testement to every belly laugh
each good time
etched into their skin
years of happiness and positive notions
lining the way they see the world.

i have fallen in love more than once.
i am so blessed.
sometimes i wonder if it is simply the act of falling that i love so much?

but then again.. what is wrong with that?
i believe, more than anything else, that LOVE is worth it.
the world is better with more love then less.
there is no limited amount of love.
it is endless.
limitless.
without borders.
why not love MORE?
harder?
deeper?
with everything we have?

what is there to be scared of?
even if rejected or lost or turned away...we still learn
there is no negative.

LOVE.

fiercely.
with strength.
passion
and conviction.

I love you. Breathe easy.

She's a Wild Woman

2010-04-22T19:49:00.000-07:00

I’m a notorious consumer of the internet: I’ve spent more hours than I care to admit “stumbling” and browsing social media sites. My voracious appetite is spurred on by my overactive curiosity. There’s just so much in this world to know! To see! To read! I can hit “stumble” for hours on end and still find new and interesting things. Today on Twitter, I discovered a woman (how have I not known of her before now?!) who inspires me beyond words.

Meet Irshad Manji.

“Speaking out isn’t new to me. I’ve been raising questions — and hell — since, well, forever. My mother, a devout Muslim who fed me and my sisters on a cleaner’s salary, sent us to a regular public school during the week and a conservative madrassa (Islamic school) on the weekend. From Monday to Friday, I’d play sports and run for student council like any ambitious, go-getter of a girl. On Saturday, though, I’d find myself being lectured about the inferiority of girls. And Jews.

I chafed against the hate speech and, from under my itchy white chador, began defying it. My mother struggled with my outspokenness. “Whatever you do,” she lovingly warned me, “please do not anger God.” But I had to ask: Was infuriating my teacher the same as angering my Creator? Did God really want me, one of his creatures, to be a second-class citizen? Did He seriously condemn an entire people — Jews — to eternal enmity? In short, is this the same God of mercy and compassion that Islam’s holy book, the Quran, describes at the start of almost every chapter?

After my teacher ranted against Jews yet again, I asked for proof of their “conspiracy” against Islam. “Either you believe or you get out!” he bellowed. With my temples throbbing under my chador, I kicked open the hefty madrassa door and yelled, “Jesus Christ!” I wanted to make a memorable exit. Little did I realize just how memorable it was: Jesus was a Jew.

I walked away from the Islamic school, but not from the Islamic faith. I needed to find the beauty in Islam for myself and took time over the next 20 years to study it. That’s when I discovered Islam’s own tradition of critical thinking and creative reasoning. It’s called ijtihad (ij-tee-had). By engaging in ijtihad, Muslims can update religious practices to reflect social changes, including the advancement of women and respect for religious diversity. Ijtihad means that Muslims can be faithful and thoughtful at the same time. Who knew?”

Long quote, I know, but any summarization by me would do the history injustice.

She wrote words that will stay with me until I am ash:

“So courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the recognition that some things are more important than fear. To me, much more important than fear is freedom — the ability to exercise it and grow from the consequences.”

I hope to be this person. I hope I can recognize that fear is not a priority and keep it from becoming a hindrance in life. I want to make a difference and use my voice, which I believe is my obligation to humanity. I have freedoms, rights and liberties denied to so many women in this world. Their voices have been silenced: they need people like me, like Irshad, to be their voice, to vocalize and bring attention to their oppression.

Irshad’s word ignite a blaze of passion in my heart, always there but sometimes quiet. I want to live a life worthy of remembrance, a life that does something. I want to rise beyond mere existence and assist my fellow men to their feet when others keep them down. I want to take the broken women of this world in my arms, offering comfort and protection. I want to help them. I just want to DO SOMETHING. I want to learn French so I can make a REAL difference in the D.R. of the Congo. I will never forget about that dark place, where women are used as the weapon of war. What society can function on the brokenness of women? Why are they trying?

Irshad wrote a book for which many want her dead. I cannot imagine living in such fear, yet daily pushing it aside with my head held high, recognizing there are more important things to do than live in fearfearfear.

“Still, I’m not vying for martyrdom. At an especially dark time, I asked Salman Rushdie why I should write a book that might endanger my life. I’ll never forget his answer: “A book is more important than a life. Once you put out a thought, it can be disagreed with vigorously, vehemently, even violently. But it cannot be un-thought. This is the great permanent gift that a writer gives to the world.””

I always knew words were powerful. I always knew words moved this world. I hope I can make some sort of contribution, no matter how meager. If it’s simply writing passionate letters to my government, by God, I am letting them know what I think and feel.

I just want to do more.

“The purpose with which we live is sometimes more important than the number of years that we live.“

If I do not help others, my life has no purpose. To put it positively: My life has purpose in helping others.

“Keep going until you find your voice. Once you find it, use it. In a free society, using your voice is not just a right, it’s a responsibility. May more of us marshal our voices to break deadly silences — for good.”

Click here for the article from which I pulled these quotes.

I found this amongst old papers

2010-04-13T08:33:00.000-07:00

Winter Days
i want to walk in endless steps with a sleep-rolling head.
sitting is for weak, soft bodies and minds stagnating.
blinking, winking, lolling, laughing,
step by step by step.
to where it's warm and it's perennial dusk.

but sometimes midnight is allowed,
the witching hours when the heavy, pregnant moon
dips beautifully into the dark ocean.
i want the beach, the jungle, the humid land.

i hate the cold, the winter, the dreary days.
i could never live in london.
i pale without sun, i wither without warmth.

The Ways of the Wild Women

2010-03-18T13:50:00.000-07:00

What is a Wild Woman?

She is someone outrageously impulsive, bordering on wildly dangerous. She lives the hell out of life, deriving joy and fun from every moment. There is nothing she will not do to seek entertainment.

Wild Women get flowers. People are drawn to our beauty and lack of inhibitions. They pour gifts upon us.

Wild Women earn beads without boobies. We're just that gregarious. There is no denying her.

She fearlessly jumps in hot rods. No one can control her.

There is a time and place for smiling; we do not fear ridiculous pictures. We know we look good. Every ridiculous facet of the Wild Woman is beautiful.

Wild Women drink tequila. We have bigger balls then most men.

We are sneaky, even while intoxicated. Other patrons of the bar adore us and shower us with free drinks. Everyone wants to be involved in our fun.

Wild Women dance. We dance and dance and dance and dance. We know life is fun and beautiful and every moment is exhilirating. We are not scared of what others think. We do what we want. We live our lives with stubborn independence, born of a desire to never be oppressed by societal expectations. Our laughter is rich and often heard. Wild Women are confident. We enjoy our femininity but are never meek or mild.

I love my Wild Women. I have found friends with whom I have found the secret to happiness.

2010-03-15T07:12:00.000-07:00

Jonathan & I watched Persepolis last night. I thought it was really good, although sad. But I suppose any movie about an oppressive, unsuccessful (to some) revolution is sad. (Spoiler alert!) I liked the movie the best when she was the precocious little girl obsessed with Bruce Lee and being a prophet. Her dismissal of God at the death of her uncle was incredibly painful. :(

Anyhow. I'm trying to update this more, but failing miserably. I think it's because the typing is loud at work when I share an office with my boss. However, she's on vacay today :) Aaaand I feel like I have nothing about which to write.

We're attempting to repeat last year's Champagne Campaign but with less vomiting. :) So this year, I'll eat dinner and not play champagne pong, no matter how much peer pressure is applied.

Okay. this entry sucks. i'm sorry. Tomorrow/later today/whatever, maybe I'll try again. I'm going to go read something.

Happy Birthday, Texas!

2010-03-02T13:50:00.000-08:00

I have said that Texas is a state of mind, but I think it is more than that. It is a mystique closely approximating a religion. And this is true to the extent that people either passionately love Texas or passionately hate it ... For all its enormous range of space, climate, and physical appearance, and for all the internal squabbles, contentions, and strivings, Texas has a tight cohesiveness perhaps stronger than any other section of America. Rich, poor, Panhandle, Gulf, city, country, Texas is the obsession, the proper study and the passionate possession of all Texans.
- John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley: In Search of America

I think John Steinbeck & I would have been friends over our mutual love & fascination with Texas.

If you know me, you know I love Texas. A land of passion & spunky history. I lovelovelove our attitude, our feisty and stubborn spirit. I mean, "Come and Take it!" for crying out loud. The town of Gonzales knew what was up: Mexico, you can't touch this.

Love for this land gets in your blood. It stays with you, coursing through your veins and always calling you home. I've always said how fun it'd be to live somewhere else for a while, but in the end, I'd find my way back to Texas. I would wilt as a flower without the sun if I stayed away for too long.

So Texas, happy birthday! You still haven't forgotten the Alamo. Texas knows what forever means.

Resolution FAIL

2010-02-09T13:40:00.000-08:00

Way to go Christine and your consistent, timely updates.

I went to Kentucky this past weekend to visit Eric, Brittney AND KALEA with Jonathan.

More on that in the next post which will contain pictures.

This post is dedicated to apologizing to a previous post.

And also to share:

Enjoy the lolcat nerd joke, my friends.

Miss Independent

2010-02-02T05:48:00.000-08:00

Tell me how you feel about this
Who would I want if I would wanna live
I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get
Ladies, it ain't easy bein' independent
Question: How'd you like this knowledge that I brought
Braggin' on that cash that he gave you is to front
If you're gonna brag make sure it's your money you flaunt
Depend on no one else to give you what you want
-Destiny's Child <3

This song is cheesy, but I absolutely love it. I have always prided myself on my independence. Not as in, I can live alone, I don't need friends/companions/relationships/emotional support. But as in: I can take care of myself.

My independence was one of the largest and still most problematic obstacles in my relationship with Jonathan. In college, I hit quite a few rough patches. Probably because paying for 100% everything, including school, entirely on your own is one of the hardest things a person can do. You're stressed: you have to work hard to stay in school, but you can to pick and choose what to sacrifice. Should I buy this book or groceries for the month? Thank God Ramen is so inexpensive. But even with all I did, at points working two jobs, 13 hour days, I still couldn't make ends meet sometimes. That's where Jonathan would try and step in and help me. I'd refuse against all logic until we had a break through one day.

I realized I harbored deeply planted feelings of inadequacy due to my financial circumstances. That by being poor, I was obviously flawed in a fundamental way, undeserving, too stupid, too something. I didn't want to accept help from Jonathan because I felt that was a debt I did not want to incur. Not with someone I love so dearly. But then he made me realize how illogical I was being: he kept no record of sales with me, no ledger with an amount due. Anything to help me was helping him. It was really hard for me to be okay to allow instances of dependency on Jonathan. Why?

Perhaps it stems from the times I'd been so cruelly disappointed: when allowing yourself to become dependent on a person, you expose yourself in such a vulnerable manner. You set yourself up for disappointment, betrayal, and pain. I will never forget what it feels like to have something held over my head, attempting to control and manipulate me, and I will never, ever go there again.

I've been through the fires and I've been so badly burned. I'm absolutely terrified and disgusted by dependency.

I had to learn, however, that compromise in a relationship is not the same as dependency. We both give and take, contributing to our life together. Someone once criticized me for wanting women to be independent, saying that made no sense coming from the mouth of a married woman. I posed the question, "Does being married negate independence?" No. It does not. Ask Jonathan ;)

A hard lesson to learn, but I think I've gotten pretty adept at separating dependency, which holds multitudes of bad connotations for me, from a healthy partnership between two people who love each other.

:)

New Year's Resolutions in February!

2010-01-29T06:30:00.001-08:00

Better late than never, right?

I guess it didn't feel like the official New Year because I was still so busy wrapping up loose ends. Like our apartment/moving into our new house. We've been there for about two weeks now and I absolutely love it. I still can't fathom that I'm married, have a 401k, need to go get my new license with my new name, OWN A HOUSE, have a baby niece and nephew and am generally one lucky, lucky girl. Girl? I think I probably qualify for "woman" now. Hmm.

So, lately I've been thinking about my plans. The rest of my life has always been building up to different milestones: graduate High School & go to college. Check. Graduate college. Check. Get a job. Check. Get married. Check. Throw a kickass Halloween Champagne Campaign. Check. Buy a house. Check. Go back to school for something I'm truly passionate about. Almost there. So what now? What can I do to continue living a fulfilling, satisfying life? I realized I need stimulation, goals to reach and something to motivate me everyday. One. I really love writing, but, I don't feel I have the skill sets to really DO anything with that. Thus, a goal of mine is to update this damn thing more: just put words out there so I develop a more coherent, consistent, personal writing style. What I don't use, I lose, so I need to continue writing if I ever want to use those writing market books Jonathan bought me.

It's also nice to have a record of my day to day life. Because I mean, who doesn't want to know in twenty years what I thought, felt, did on November 21st, 2009?! :p

Two. Jonathan bought me a treadmill. Because he loves me. Not because he thinks I'm fat. :) I hate sitting here all day. I miss working at camp because I was up and on the gogogogo all day and it was wonderful. I love the feeling of being strong, physically active and know I can run away from dinosaurs. If need be. Anyhow, point being: I'm going to start running/jogging/probably mostly walking every day. EVERY DAY. We have an elliptical, but I hate elliptical. They require I focus intently the entire time I'm working out or else I lose my balance. That focus causes me to be acutely aware the entire time of how miserable I am. No thanks. When I'm on the treadmill, my mind can wander, and that's my favorite state of mind. :)

Three. I don't want to die in New Orleans during Mardi Gras.

Four. I want to plant a marvelous garden at my house. I envision pretty little rows of marigolds around the back fence line: their petite golden flowers dipping in the sun, repelling hated mosquitoes. Beautiful. I love multi-purpose plants :)

Five. I want to continue belly dancing. I want to practice on my own so those skills I learned will never be lost to time. I don't want it to happen like my ability to play the trumpet. I used to be really good at it. I miss it. I hate that I just have memories now of past enjoyment of something in which I was decently gifted. I don't like losing things to the past.

Six. I want to travel. I want to see Brian & Chris again this year. Two of my closest friends and I don't want to lose them to the past, either. I want them to remain active members of my present life.

Seven. And most unrealistic. I want to bowl a 244. :)

Summer of Love

2009-12-30T10:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog,

Since I’ve neglected you so cruelly the past month or so, I’ve decided to regale you with a tale of summer mischief. Namely: Heather & Christine’s 48 Hour Party. In the office today, we were reminiscing over this decidedly out of control weekend and I realized I’d never blogged about it, which is a shame because the story is truly epic.

SO. Without further ado, may I tell the tale of...

Heather & Christine’s Summer Weekend Adventure

I wish I could say it started out innocently enough, but when Mikey brings over his new beer bong and you wear a Beyonce-esque gold shirt with leopard print heels, who can I really fool? I called my posse of hardened-liver drinkers and as the rumor goes, I proceeded to do five beer bongs in thirty minutes. I think it was probably more like an hour, but whatever, I’d never done it before this (college, you failed me). Oh yes, all this while I was drinking copious amounts of wine. I’m hoping dinner was in the mix.

dance floor @ southbeach

Roya, Rachel, Heather, Andrew, Jonathan and Christine head over to Southbeach, our favorite gay club in Houston, to watch (and spray down) contestants in a “Wet Boxers” contest. More drinks consumed. At this point, Andrew gets change and passes out dollar bills like candy to the girls to stuff in the speedo of male dancers. Not a big fan of crotch-in-face, I watch from afar, probably mumbling incoherently to Jonathan about something like orphans in Africa. Heather keeps repeating that she “loves the D” and the tranny announcer calls me Hannah Montana and Rachel a JoBro. Interesting.

family portrait

At this point, we head over to Chance’s, a lesbian bar in Houston, where I get us shots and beers and the boys want to play pool. Wanting to play pool becomes a photo shoot on the pool table, leading to drunken pool table dancing, which results in one of the most embarrassing youtube videos of all time. Andrew passes out at the tables and I lose my phone.

pool table photo shoot

I wake up at some point before noon, still drunk, confused and honestly, I don’t know how I called into work. I don’t know because I didn’t have my phone and I think Jonathan was at work still when I called in. Interesting. Even Sober Christine is confused by this riddle. Regardless, I didn’t make it into work.

I was supposed to go to College Station that evening to visit Tiffany but I had to check around town for my phone (gone forever) and I ended up just purchasing a ghetto prepaid phone to get me by because Lord knows I can’t survive without a phone in the 21^st century. I decide it’s too late and I wouldn’t be any use anyways so I tell Tiffany I’ll be to Cstat the following day.

Heather & I decide we don’t really want to do anything but then Sarah, a co-worker, invites us out so we go because we’re suckers. It was the three of us and some boy of Sarah’s that met up at Bryan O’Neil’s.

sarah, me, heather

I didn’t think I’d stay for long/drink anything but well, a couple drinks and a couple shots later, we made our way to Bronx Bar and started dancing up a storm. An Eastern European hit on me, but for the life of me I can’t remember where exactly he was from, but whatever, not important. It was just the beginning. Sarah & her date leave so Heather & I do the normal thing and head to Baker Street. We grab a table there and sit, enjoying the live band when this dude sits down with us. He’s really boring and creepy but keeps buying us drinks.

creepy dude who bought us drinks and heather

After a while, we get up and are standing closer to the band when this girl and her boyfriend start talking to us (and I think also buy us drinks) and she gets our numbers and proceeds to hang out with us for the rest of the night because she was new to the area and wanted to make new friends. All during this, the one creepy dude keeps buying us drinks. We have him take some pictures for us. Interesting.

with our new bff

It’s two in the morning at this point, bars are closed and we’re sitting in the car trying to figure out what to do. It’s at that point where you’re not ready to go home, but hell, what CAN you do? So we drunk dial the boys at the river. As we’re sitting there LOLing into the phone, we notice the fellatio going on in the car next to us. Being the mature adults we are, we sat there and laughed and laughed and laughed.

After laughing so hard we cried, we decided to head towards Ruchi’s, grab some grub and go home. On the way to Ruchi’s, Heather has to pee so badly, we stop at a gas station, get out and find the place closed. Another car full of post-bar young adults are also there, similarly realizing the place is closed. While I talk to them, Heather goes and pees in front of her car because we’re that classy and we find out these stranger’s are headed to an afterhours club in downtown to celebrate the little sister’s 17^th birthday (upon asking how they got her in places, they said bribes...interesting) and we should tag along. UM, OKAY. They take off with us following but they quickly run several red lights in downtown and we lose them.

Using our ingenuity, I call 411 to get the address of the place and then we pulled over in a parking lot to get Heather’s map out of the back of her SUV and we locate it. WE ARE SO SMART. We made it there in one piece!

WELL. We go inside, see our newly made friends, who offer us a pull from a random bottle (scary) and we dancedancedance. It got a little too intense; people were too touchy while dancing. Abandoning the dance floor in search of a potty, we see “M” over one door and “W” over another. “W” would normally equal “Women” but when we walked in, we were shocked to see women AND men in there. So we about-faced and went in the other one to find ONLY men in there. I still don’t get it. But whatever. We peed.

We head outside where we’re chatted up by some Mexicans from Alvin (ew) and we leave them to go sit on a bench away from the outside bar while Heather smokes. This black guy comes up and starts talking to us and out of context, for no reason, in the middle of the conversation Heather says, “What’s up my Ni-...” and realizing her conversational taboo, just coughs. LOL.

This embarrassment leads us inside where I have to pay five fucking dollars for a bottle of water, which we share. This other black, older guy starts trying to get us to dance with him, but we refuse, so he actually starts GRABBING us and DRAGGING us to the dance floor and his breath smelled SO BADLY OF VOMIT I wanted to die. At this point we’re both really pissed off at him and Heather actually YELLS at him. We bee-lined it out of that craphole after that.

FINALLY WE HEAD TO RUCHI’S. It’s five in the morning now and we’re tired/hungry. As we’re waiting for our food, the officer in the place comes over and starts chatting with Heather. We’re both completely weirded out, but apparently he KNOWS her from New Year’s Eve... six months prior. I guess Heather leaves a lasting impression.

It was awkward, hilarious and so fun.

Summer 2010, I’m a little scared of you.

Love,

christine

2009-12-30T06:49:00.000-08:00

love is a place (58)

love is a place
& through this place of
love move
(with brightness of peace)
all places

yes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skilfully curled)
all worlds

e e cummings

This moment rests in the eternal part of my mind.

Two thousand and nine, you have been far too good to me. :)

Animals are people, too! Right?

2009-11-09T09:51:00.000-08:00

While stumbling, I found this article. I think they're a bit extreme and I don't agree with everything they've said, but the writer makes some pretty valid points.

"Humanizing animals is a glaring example of our society's broken moral compass. It's easier for some people to feel frothy emotion about the imagined plight of an animal over actual human suffering. It's also simpler to have a relationship with a pet than a person -- there aren't any real emotional requirements, and you get to feel loved unconditionally for no good reason."

I agree: people should always, always, always remember that animals are in fact animals and humans will always trump them. That's why I have zero problem eating meat: I don't condone cruelty in the butchering process, but I recognize the animals value as nourishment. Do you think lions feel guilty for eating a water buffalo while it still lives? No.